The Legend of Joey Freshwater

"You throw it like this, Tua!"

In the beginning there was Ron Mexico.  And then cometh Carlos Danger. But then followed hence the coming of...Joey Freshwater. There is probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for this alleged incident. And, sure, it's probably a piece of total bullshit that the famously obnoxious Buckeye fan base has mythologized into fact. In other words it's probably FAKE NEWS. But "Joey Freshwater" is still definitely a "thing" and, gosh darn it, it's fun.
Enjoy.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

It's Go Time

 And we're underway with Season 13!


BroFro, unranked Army Black Knights; 0
Randi, unranked Virginia Cavaliers; 0
SkHank AP #25, Stanford Cardinal; 0
SockPuppet #24, Nebraska Cornhuskers; 0
DPo #23, Washington State Cougars; 0
Kitten #17, University Central Florida Knights; 0
Jimbosuke #15, Utah Utes; 0
Q #11, Oregon Ducks; 0
Obama #10, Texas Longhorns; -1
Timmy! #9, Notre Dame Fighting Irish; -2
KBronie #8 Florida Gators; -3
Snottie #7 Evil scUM, Meechy Wolverines; -4
SeannieG #4 Oklahoma Sooners; -7
CCS #2 Alabama Crimson Tide; -9
McLovin #1 Clemson Tigers; -10

It's on.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

GG Week 1

Whoa.
And bow before the Massive Cerebrum.

GG Week 1:

Miami v U of Florida Gators
Saturday, 8/24, 7 PM, ESPN, Camping World Stadium, Orlando, FL

UCLA @ Cincinnati
Thursday, 8/29, 7 PM, ESPN, Nippert Stadium, Cincinnati, OH

Oregon v Auburn
Saturday, 8/31. 7:30 PM, ABC, AT&T Stadium, Arlington, TX (aka JerryWorld)

1 for each win. 5 for the sweep. Feeling confident? Bet the ranch.

Let's go.
Roll the bones.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

BRFL Draft Days Are Upon Us

Lizzo,

Hoooleeee SHIT.
What the FUCK!?
I expect the AP Poll to drop tomorrow, Bizatches.
And..I. Am. Not. Ready.
I am not Worthy.
And neither are you, Fuckers.

But draft we must, damn it.
Damn it to HELL, it's Draft Time, like it or not, Tools.
Balls to the Wall, Motherfuckers.

Draft order for this, our Glorious Thirteenth Season on the cutting edge of puerile shenanigans:

Numba One: K Bronie, Man-Woman. Oh, yeah. Ima ring you up, Bitch. KMan takes #8 The Florida Gators with the first pick in the 2019 BRFL Draft. Starting at minus 3. Seannie G on the clock.) 09:10 AM, 8/20.
2: Seannie G takes #4 Oklahoma Sooners with the second pick. Starting at minus 7. Jimbosuke on the clock at 12:40 PM, 8/20.
3: JimboSucky takes #14 Utah Utes with the third pick. Starts at zero. SkHank on the clock at 12:42 PM, 8/20
4: SkHank with the 4th pick, SkHank goes with The Stanford Cardinal, #25. Starts at zero. SockPuppet on the clock at 13:02 PM, 8/20.
5: SockPuppet with the 5th pick, The SockPuppet and the PuppetMaster at AP #24, the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Starting at zero. DPo on the clock at 22:50 PM, 8/20.
6. DPo takes, with the number 6 pick, the Washington State Cougars, AP #23. Starts at zero. Snottie on the clock at 12:08 PM, 8/21.
7. Snottie takes, with the number 7 pick, 7th ranked and hated scUM, Big Blue, Meechy. Starts at minus 4. Q on the clock at 18:43 PM, 8/21.
8. Q with the #8 pick, the AP #11 Oregon Ducks. Starting at zero. Kitten was on the clock but pulled the trigger before I could catch up on his kitty ass.
9. Kitten with the #9 pick, the University of Central Florida. Ranked AP #17. Starting at zero. Obama on the clock at 17:10 PM, 8/21.
10. Obama takes the AP #10 team with the 10th pick in the BRFL draft, the Texas Longhorns. Starts at minus 1. Timmy! on the clock at 07:00 8/22.
11. Timmy the Bold!, located in passport control in Mauritius, with the #11 pick taps AP #9 Notre Dame. Starts at minus 2 with the Domers. McLovin on the clock at ) 08:24, 8/23.
12. McLovin taps #1 the Clemson Tigers. Starts at minus ten. Gives us all the joy of hating on Dabo for a whole second season. BroFro on the clock at 22:50 PM, 8/23.
13. BroFro (yes, you were tied with McDouchin but I flipped a coin. You lost.) The Bro goes with the unranked Black Knights of Army. A bold pick that is unprecedented in BRFL history. Starts the season at zero. Randi on the clock.
14. Randi, does some serious homework and slides in there with what could be the sleeper pick of the year, the unranked Virginia Cavaliers. Starts the season at zero. Last year's champion, CCS, on the clock at 12:05, 8/24. Bring this thing in for a landing, CCS.
15. CCS, with the 14th pick in the BRFL draft, chooses the Alabama Crimson Tide. AP#2. Starts at minus 9. What more can the Commissioner do? The picks are in. Kicking it off in Orlando. Let's go.

Please refer to the Living Document for recent rule manipulations. Looking at you, SkHank.

Be ready, Bitches.
The Commissioner is knockin'.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

and Lizzo.

Ten days

10 days to BRFL Draft Days, Bitches.

Jimbosuke,
Commisioner for Life

Cash in, cash out.

Please consult the spread sheet from the email I sent you. (I can't figure out how to post it on the blog).
I want to see everyone get paid. Sending the money you 'owe", whether you ended up making money or losing money, makes that happen. I'm sorry we couldn't have the party this year. It's mad a mess of the league's finances.

Send $ to;

J LaCava
30 Fair Street
Cooperstown, NY  13326

Good tidings,

Jimbosuke, Commissiner for Life

The Living Document. 2019. Season 13 or so.

So here's the deal.
After receiving limited feedback on the rule changes for 2019 of course we are going full speed ahead with them.
I walked back a little of the penalty points for picking top ten teams. You pickie numbah one, you gettie minus ten. And so forth. Read the living document.
I edited the previous post. I know how you guys are. Just...just...read the living document. For once. I emailed it to you. Do NOT let it fall into the wrong hands.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

He Should Have Asked for the Supervisor

Hey, are you a Seattle Seahawks fan? Remember Malik McDowell? He was Seattle's first round draft pick who ended his playing career crashing an ATV... before playing a down. Ever.

Seattle is suing him for the signing bonus they paid him, and this past winter he was back home in Michigan having himself a wee brush with Johnny Law.

I recall some Michigan fans rending hair that he chose Michigan State over the Wolverines four years ago. I think it turned out okay for the Wolverine faithful.

Transgambling

Transgambling;

So, here's what I'm suggesting: Say you find yourself in the position I was in during last years seemingly endless BRFL bloodbath. (KBronie was there too, but that's neither here nor there. Any one of us can, and has, found ourselves in that unenviable position).

Your team, the team you picked of your own volition, is obviously terrible. Every game is a probable loss and even when you win it's not terribly helpful.
No.
You're down, at the bottom of the heap, and you will fucking well stay there until the pay out at the end of the season.
Discouraging.
Disheartening.
Enough to make one lose interest in our whole noble enterprise, the BRFL.

Sure, you can bust your ass every weekend for GG. Unless you're Scott and you pussy out on the whole GG thing. Hey, a topic for another day. But yes. You can go all butt-wild on GG. And maybe you recoup a little money there. Good for you. Winning GG (and that's where the only real money is, winning) is fucking hard. We know this.

But...what if. 
What if you could use your GG points to gamble against your burgeoning BRFL losses? How cool would that be? Maybe you've got a sweet 20 GG points in your pocket, lagging the leader by only 3 points or so. But in terms of the BRFL you're in the Seventh Circle of Hell with minus 10 and a third string QB looking bewildered under center and a coach who's crawling into a bottle of Famous Grouse every night?
What the FUCK if I told  you that you could take 5 of your GG points and bet them on a sweep in GG that week? And, motherfucker, if that sweep comes through (what are the chances??) you not only reap the sweep benefit in GG but you get a...a...a DIDDLE that week in the BRFL? 5 points so your ass can start clawing it's way out of that deep dark stinking nether hole that your shitty pick landed you in 6 weeks before?
Now you're paying attention. Now you're right back in it. And life is worth living again. You rediscover food. Sex. Your kids. Your spouse. Not necessarily in that order.

Of course the flip side  is that if you miss that sweep you drop 5 in GG and I dock your sorry, compulsively gambling ass minus 2 in the BRFL. In addition to any other drop your puke team incurs. Not a ream, exactly, but a punishment.
And let's face it. There can be no crime without punishment. And your crime, committed long ago, was letting me talk you into this boondoggle in the first place.

Suggestions? Ideas? Let's hear it, if only so that we can just ignore it.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

BRFL Season 13; Retooling, The Commissioner Steps In.

Enter Sandman.

Brothers and Sisters,

Unless I am mistaken this is Season 13 for the BRFL. The SandMan is being inducted into the Hall of Fame. I can almost guarantee you that it will rain all weekend during the induction ceremony since this is, after all, the wettest year in the 124 years that the Feds have kept stats on precipitation.

One can expect a few changes in thirteen years. Certainly the Living Document has changed a bit over that time span. And damned if it isn't going to change again, right here and right now. So let's get to it;

This year the BRFL Rules Committee (which is, basically, me) has decided to introduce the long overdue McLovin/CCS Rule. Henceforth, in an effort to discourage "safe" picks, there will be stiffer penalties assessed on highly ranked AP draft picks. To be specific, there will be a penalty for picking any top ten team. I could point to a certain someone who racked up 19 points in the playoffs alone after playing what was arguably the most comically easy schedule in NCAA football. I could go there. But, really, do I have to?

 Or I could point to a certain individual who chose a team, whose name I can't even stand to write down on this sacred page, and rode the gravy train all the way to the Natty finals only to be out-douched by you-know-who.

 But, again; no. Not necessary. Wouldn't be prudent.

Therefore, without further preamble, let it be known that verily it remains true that one can pick any team they want. But if that team is ranked #1 in the AP you will be starting at minus 10. #2? Minus 9. And so forth until #10 where you will kick off at minus one. We will try this for a year and if it has the desired effect (a return  to more adventurous gambling) I will leave it alone. If not, I will come up with some other shit that I think is reasonable.

You have doubtless read my GG missive. Honestly, I cannot remember who paid their GG fees. So I'm just going to pay it out and hope I topped off the GG coffers before last season started. If you didn't pay, send me a twenty.

Heismaniac was a no show last year. I, for one, missed it. Was this a one-off incident or has Heismaniac gone the way of all flesh?

As for the pay out it will happen. Though, sadly, there will be no annual feasting and Jamboree. No much anticipated Commissioner's Remarks. No ritual display of the sacred BRFL icons.

The Commissioner's schedule is not favorable. The Commissioner also has a seven month old Blue Heeler puppy who will literally bite your ass and, since I don't like it when she does that, I can't imagine you will. She will also eat all your food. So we are taking a break from the Most Holy Saturday Night and it will be up to you to get your money to the Commissioner so he can pay your more fortunate compatriots.

The draft will proceed as it traditionally has. The Coveted Commissioner's Cup will be delivered along with the Liberace and the Pinkernell Award. The Shame Penguin. It will all be taken care of.
Will there be a commemorative tee shirt? Really, there should be. CCS has never won before and it was a hell of a season. I'll see what I can come up with.

In my next post we'll talk money and the intriguing idea of cross-gambling between GG games and the BRFL. I'm sure others  have thought about this but the most recent musings came from KBronieManWoman.

Until then, start doing your research. Or bend over and take the minus 12 I've got waiting for your ass if you pick Alabama.

Yours sincerely,

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

GG, Body Count.

Greetings, BRFLers,

For those GGers out there, here's how the contest shook out this year. GG continues to maintain a death-grip on a small but fanatical subset of the BRFL. I salute you.

Brothers and sisters;

And so it came to pass that on the final round of Bowls, GG Bowls Round 8, the Commissioner, blessings and good tidings be upon him, seemed to, basically, walk off the job. No results were ever posted in the final round, GG Bowls 8, Here they are;

It was week 21, and BroFro did indeed prove untouchable.

TOSU bested Obama's Wash U Huskies 28 - 23.
Texas dropped Georgia 28 - 21 surprising everyone but Seannie Graham.
And Clemson (CCS) put the wood to Bama (McLovin) 44 - 16 to win the Natty.

BroFro walks away with the cheese. Picked up one point to go to 55.
CCS comes in at #2. 2 points in week 21 and he ends with 51. Only a sweep could have saved him and, well, no.
KBronie pulls in with 1 point and helps out the Commissioner by avoiding the dreaded third place tie. Ends the season with 49.

The rest are, basically, losers.
Seannie with 48,
McLovin with 48,
Randi with 45,
Obama with 45,
DThong with 44,
BoSuckie with 43 and SockPuppet, who threw in the towel somewhere during bowl season, 34.

One recalls that the entry fee for GG is 20 bucks.
Winner gets 70% of 200 (total purse is 200 and third place gets their 20 bucks back).
That's 140 bucks for BroFro.
$40 for CCS.
And $20 back to KBronie.

Nice tight race all the way down the line. Lot of shit talk. Just the way it should go.
Comments?

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

BRFL Season 12, Wrap Party

"Ivanka cooked all of this. Is she a piece of ass or what?"

BRFL Season 12, Wrap Party;

This is what you get when you win the Natty and visit the White House these days; You get fucking McDonald's still in the wrapper and "dipping sauce" in silver tureens. You would think he could do more for a team whose colors mimic his hair but, hey, if you haven't learned to lower your expectations by now well, just fuck you.

Speaking of lowered expectations here's the results of this year's BRFL bloodbath. I will hold off on the horrific details of just how much cash people lost until the accountants review the figures.

CCS; Clemson. A staggering 19 points in the playoff run, 1 for the no drop, 1 for the move up to #1 and it's a total of 47 points to take home the Cheese. Congratulations, Brohime.
Randi; LSU 40, UCF 32 and that spelled doom for your Winner's Circle Wet Dream. Minus 4 from the AP up your bunghole and you finish with 39.
McLovin'; 'Bama douches out and gets curb stomped in the finale. 7 for your semi-final win, minus 1 for the drop, 6 to your 26 and you end with 32. The AP only drops you 1 for getting annihilated in the most boring Natty since Florida kicked the shit out of TOSU? Seem fair? Of course not.
BroFro; Strong finish. 28-23 over Wash U in the Rose Bowl. 3 for the win, AP says, "hey, hey" and moves the Buckeyes up 2, 6 point total you have 32 final. Another tussle over the Liberace.
Timmy the Bold; Florida 41, Meechy 15. AP drops you 6. You end the season with 21.
Obama; Lost to TOSU in the Rose. Still. AP only drops you 4. You finish with 15. Is this your best finish so far? I think so.

Kitten; A sick, weird finish for the Broncos. Bowl game cancelled. You was robbed. 1 for the no drop. End with 14. Fucked over.
Q; Going out on a high note by stomping on your husband's testicles. Oregon 7, Michigan State 6. 3 points for the bowl win. You end the season with 12.
Snottie; Blanked by Virgina, 28 - 0. South Carolina now a legendary bad pick. You got stoogatz. Finish with 7.
DPo; Arizona so amazingly shitty they didn't go to a bowl. You end the season with 5. One of the worst picks I've ever seen. Do you even watch college football, like, ever?
SuckPuppet. Mississippi State lose to Iowa. LOSES TO IOWA. The AP puts the nose of your aircraft straight fucking down and you drop 7 right the hell out of the AP poll and earn an end o' season REAM! Minus 12 bowl season for you and you finish up with 4 total BRFL points. Not very good at all.

________________________________________________________________________


SkHank; The shit smell of Stanford is in the air. Somehow you manage to sneak by Pitt 14-13 for a 3 point bowl win and end the season with Minus 2. God how I hate you.
BoSucky; Florida State an idiot pick. So fucking stupid. Rewarded by not going to a bowl. End my Season of Shame with a puny minus 6. Really, really pitiful.
SeannieG; Awful. MooU can only manage 2 field goals and loses to hapless Oregon. You are, like, totally emasculated and now must deal with the inevitable erectile dysfunction. Just remember, Jesus loves you. Though, to be truthful, everybody I've talked to that I could actually see hates the shit out of you. Minus 9 is your fate. Stupid, stupid pick.
KBronieManWoman. Wisconsin pulls one out of their collective ass and snuffs Miami 35 - 3, breaking Mark Richt into tiny pieces that don't add up to a whole man. He "retires" and you get 3 for the bowl win. So, really, it could have been worse for you this season. You finish dead last at minus 15. Luckily there is a robust Food Bank in Otsego County. As for the kids? Listen, in the 19th century kids started working when they were 7 years old. Totally normal.

Old times were good times.

Bitches.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life.

GG Bowls, Round 7 Results

GG Round 7 Results:

Mississippi State dumped by Iowa, 27 - 22.
LSU snuffs the UCF candle, 40 - 32. Enough with 'the streak' talk.
Kentucky, yes, Kentucky drops Penn State 27 - 24. Not just a basketball school anymore, I guess.

BroFro, 1 to go to 54. Unassailable?
CCS, 1 to go to 49. Not impossible.
KBron, 1 to go to 48. Please, not another tie for second.
SeannieG, Naught! Stay at 46. Penn State?! Really?
McSuckin, just exactly what is it with this asshole? SWEEP  to go to 47. Three out of the last 4 GGs this fucker has swept. Not happy about it.
Randi, Naught! Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Stay at 44.
Obama, 1 to go to 44.
DThong, 1 to go to 44.
'BoSuke, 1 to go to 42. As if it matters.
SuckPuppet, in a bar somewhere, in despair, 34.

Jimbosuke

GG Bowls Round 6 Results

GG Bowls Round 6 Results:

Stanford takes down Pittsburgh in a ridiculously bad game, 14 - 13.
Meechy State loses to Oregon in a game almost as bad, 7 - 6.
Northwestern surprises Utah, 31 -20.

BroFro: 2 to go to 53. Getting separation.
CCS; 2 to go to 48. Still needing  sweep.
Kbron; 2 to get to 47 as Utah lets him down.
SeanieG; 1 to go to 46 as Sparty shits the bed, and so do the Utes.
Randi; 1 to 44. Looking grim.
Obama; Back on track with 2 to go to 43..
DThong. 2 to go to 43.
McSuckin; 1 to land at 42.
BoSucky; You're fucking kidding me. Zero. It's over. 41.
SuckPuppet has surrendered. 34.

Jimbosuke

GG Bowls, Number 5 Results

Burn, Bitches.

GG Bowls, Number 5 Results:

South Carolina, disappointing finish to a shitty season: 28 - 0, shut out by the Cavs.
Clemson humiliates Notre Dame, 30 - 3 in a snoozer.
Alabama bests Oklahoma 45 - 34 and it wasn't really that close.

Grinding on,

BroFro, 2 to go to 51. Fooled by South Carolina sucking. A common theme.
CCS, 2 to go to 46.
KBronie, 2 to go to 45.
SeannieG, a measley 1 to go to 45.
Randi, 2 to go to 43.
Obama, no entry. Never take your eye off the ball, BridgTurd. 41.
BoSucky, pitiful 1 to go to 41. Can  you say, 'done'?
DThong, 2 to go to 41.
McSuckin, what the fuck is it with this Tool? SWEEP, again. That's two in a row. 5 to go to 41. Could this Bitch suddenly be a Player?
SuckPuppet, no entry again. I see total capitulation here. 34.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life.