Commissionerly Comments Week 6

 

USC. Why the hate, AP? Fight on. $$uke living on the edge. Constant penalties are disturbing.

Penn State. Matt Campbell's Psychiatrist is getting rich. Timmy! hung out to dry by the Amish.

TTech. BYE week and nobody noticed. Punk-ass, cake schedule. Pucker on the 'Pokes in Stillwater?

BYU. Coogs let the gas out of Iowa State's bag. Samoans thrive on Mormon meat. I guess. 

Florida. BRFL epic rise and fall, and we're only six weeks in. Get your shit together, SpecialK.

Miami. BYE week. Castro-hating scumbags living in their own filth.

SMU. Ponies idle with the BYE week. Kevin Jennings practicing throwing interceptions. 

Boise State. The fucking Broncos are for real. Stomp the shit out of a good Fresno State team. Sad.

Utah. Nasty molestation of Kansas. Latter Day Saints blood lust operating on crucify mode. Hating.

Navy. Midshipmen dump Tulsa. Despite being a team that sucks, they are not in last place. Puzzling.

LSU. Now we really find out if Lane Kiffin is committed to sobriety. Don't unpack the boxes, Lane.

Clemson. Had a BYE. A week off for Dilbo to try to pull a rabbit out of a hat and save the season.

Notre Dame. What? The all-green unis just to beat the brakes off Stanford? Stanford is, well, shitty. 

Houston. A drubbing of Kansas State on the road. Oklahoma State next, then Utah on the road. Boone Pickens Stadium sphincter-squeezer.

I think some of the game scores on the spread sheet were fucked up.

So? That's not a huge deal. The BRFL scores were right.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

 

GG Week Seven Games

 

#4 Ohio State at #5 Indiana, noon, FOX, in Memorial Stadium, Bloomington, Indiana.

#13 Missouri at #9 Ole Miss, 3:30, SEC Network,Vaught-Hemingway Stadium, Oxford, Mississippi.

#2 Notre Dame at #8 BYU, abc, LaVell Edwards Stadium, Provo, Utah. 

Roll the bones.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

GG Week Six Results

 Wake Forest 38, North Carolina State 14. The Wolf Pack, playing at home, heads to the locker room up 14 - 10 at intermission. It was a good game. The crowd was happy. But Wake Forest received the kick off to start the second half. Uh-oh. The Deacs hung 28 unanswered points on NC State in the second half, 21 of them in the third quarter. The crowd was sad. 

Gio Lopez (?) goes 26/33 for 303 yds and 3 TDs through the air for Wake Forest. Thank God this game wasn't on FOX or you would have had to put up with Gus Johnson making smart-ass word-play, out of Gio Lopez's first name, all god damned afternoon. 

USC Trojans 31, Penn State 23. 114,419 fans in Beaver Stadium at full 'White Out', 11/10 intensity. This is the kind  of game USC loses. Except that there is a full-on football talent Arms Race going on in Los Angeles these days. Two out of the three Trojans pictured above, including the flying one with the football, are freshman, and the other one is a sophomore. 

Penn State was set to receive the kick off after tying it up just before the half. Surely the Southern Cal defense would flame out, like they usually do. 

Not so fast, My Friend. PSU could only manage two FGs in the second half against the Men of Troy, and Lincoln Riley got the statement road win he had to have.

Georgia 20, Alabama 17. Kalen DeBoer loses his shit (twice!), that's how important this game was. Maybe the best two teams in the country right now. How good is Georgia? They won in Tuscaloosa without their #1 and #2 running backs. The number three man picked up 120 on 17 totes. Gunner Stockton is not great, but he's good enough. 

And lets give a round of applause to Tate Sandell, the Oklahoma kicker. You can wear a comically over-sized helmet and Daisy Dukes, and any other fucking thing you want, if you can drill a 47 yard walk-off field goal, for the win, over #1 Texas in the Red River Rivalry. 

Scores:

Q: GUTTERBALL. 0, Total 13. And you were doing so well. 

Chiba: SWEEP! 5, Add to your 10, total 15. A breakthrough? Maybe yes, maybe no.

DTBH: 2 and your 14 moves you up to 16, three way sausage knot at the top of the heap. 

Lola: SWEEP! 5 and your 7 moves you up to 12.

Ronde': 2, add to your 5 makes 7. So, so bad.

DPo: 2 and your 14 and you have 16.

SockPuppet: SWEEP! 5, redemption after all your suffering. Add to 7 brings you to 12.

Special Ed: 2 added to your 7 is 9. Just, like, not your weekend at all.

$$ucky: SWEEP! 5 to the 11 to the 16. Even a broken watch is right twice a day.

Psycho: Only 1 and that gives you a total of 8. Those are Ronde' numbers, pal.

Teeblations: Just the 1. To add to your 9 and make 10. A glimmer of hope in a season of pain.

McLovin: 2 and your 9 makes 11. One sweep away from stardom.

Big Dom: 2 and your 8, 10, finally, double figures. Hard to care when you're rollin' with Notre Dame

BroFro: 1. Massive betrayal by Penn State is how I see it. You now have 12.

Week 7 comin' up.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

GG Week 5 Results

 

Penn State 13, Northwestern 34. When your team runs for 48 yards and the other team runs for 413 (including two different guys gaining over 150), you are in trouble. Maybe your QB, named Rocco, can make up for it by chucking the ball for 243. But not if he throws 2 INTs. Foot meets ass. Penn State takes a beatin' in Evanston. Matt Campbell is in over his head. 

Alabama 56, Mississippi State 23. The cowbell jokes are everywhere as Mississippi State takes the 'L' at home. The Tide lays a whuppin' on the Bulldogs and what th hell else did you really expect? Three people picked MSU. It cost McLovin a sweep. GG is not a friendly game.

Navy 9, Air Force 14. Two Service Academies slug it out in Colorado and BreauxFreaux's season is on life support. I get it. Navy was good last year. Maybe they will be good again. That's for others to say. All I know is that it could get worse for the Bro. 

Scores:

Q: Adds 1 to total 13.

ChibaChews: +2 for 10 total. Not too shabby.

DogTheBountyHunter: plus 2 for a share of the lead at 14.

Lola: Adds 2 to make 7.

Ronde': 1. Now you have 5. This is like getting molested at summer camp. I guess. 

DPo: SWEEP! The 'Po is the only sweeper. That sucks. 5 to share the lead at 14.

SockPuppet: Add 2 to total 7.

SpecialK.: 2 to make 7.

$$uke: Had 9, got 2, total 11.

Psycho: 1. Not great. Total 7. Your picking blows.

Timmy!: add 2 to reach 9. A bad, bad weekend for you. 

McLovin: 2 + 7 = 9. So close but ... MSU? I'm getting DNA testing. Nothing personal. 

Big Dom: had 6, added 2, has 8. Oddly shitty year for Big Dom.

BreauxFreaux: 1. Despair. Total 11. Still in the hunt but wishing this weekend hadn't happened. 

We're moving on.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

GG Week Six Games

 All Saturday games:

Wake Forest Demon Deacons at North Carolina State, Raleigh, NC, Noon, ESPN.

#2 Georgia at #6 Alabama, Tuscaloosa, AL, 7:30, abc.

#19 USC Trojans at Penn State, University Park, PA, 7:30, NBC.

Roll the bones.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

GG Week Five Games

FRIDAY NIGHT GAME, 10/2.

 Penn State at Northwestern, Evanston, Illinois, 8 PM FOX

SATURDAY GAMES, 10/3.

#7 Alabama at #16 Mississippi, Starkville, Mississippi, Noon, ABC

Navy at Air Force, USAF Academy Colorado, Noon, ABC

Roll the bones yo. 

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

GG Week Four Results

 

A busy weekend. Two Sweepers.

Texas 20 at Tennessee 17. This one was a banger. Colin Simmons with 5 sacks on the Tennessee QB and his usual handful of unsportsmanlike conduct penalties. Stay classy, Collin. There was also this kind of odd touchdown celebration. It's a Texas thing, I guess.

Iowa 20 at Michigan 17. I've been pretty tough on Kurt Ferentz over the years, but this was a masterful comeback, including this epic toss with the last two seconds ticking off. Q and DogTheBountyHunter set up their sweep.

Oregon 41 at USC 27. Dante Moore is carted off after surviving a cheap-ass assasination attempt plus an on-field riot, and then this fucker (above), Dylan Raiola, and a riled up Oregon squad, beat the living shit out of the Troymen in Los Angeles. Defense is still not a "thing" for the Trojans. 

Scores:

Q: SWEEP! 5 to go to 12. The top spot. Q is lovin' her some Iowa. 

ChibaChews: 1  to get 8. Frustration setting in.

DTBH: SWEEP! 5 to go to 12. I object to this whole 'Iowa' thing.

Lola: 1 to make 5. Not exactly burnin' it up.

Ronde': 1 to get a total of 4. Good Lord.

DPo: 1 for 9 total.

Sock: Got 2. Total 5. Just, well, kinda' bad.

SpecialK: GUTTERBALL. 0 for a total of 5. Does not care one bit. SpecialEd has Florida.

$$uke: 2 to make 9. Intensely disappointing weekend.

Psycho: 1 for a total of 6. Didn't you suck at this last year, too?

Teebs: 2. Add to 5 for 7.

McLovin: 2. Samesies. 7.

BigDom: 1 for a total of 6. Kind of sucking.

BreauxFreaux. 2 to make 10 and, as I've said before, watch out for this douche. 

Until next week,

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

GG Week Four

All Saturday games:

#1 Texas Longhorns at #14 Tennessee Vols, Neyland Stadium, noon, abc.

#17 Iowa at #18 Michigan, Michigan Stadium, 3:30, CBS.

#20 Oregon Ducks at #12 USC Trojans, L.A. Memorial Coliseum, 7:30, NBC.

Roll the bones.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

GG Week Three Results

 

Texas Tech 28, Houston 26. A barn-burner in Lubbock. Houston comes within a hair of taking it to OT on the 2 point conversion attempt. Alas, no. Stoned at the 1 millimeter line. A lot of soiled football pants for Tech. Hankies and sponges for the Houston Cougars. Both teams looked good but now TTech owns the head to head. 

Louisville 41, SMU 31. This was a humdinger in Louisville, KY. Both squads ripped off filthy long runs from scrimmage; Kendrick Rafael for the Ponies and Keyjuan Brown (above) and Isaac Brown for the Cards. Lincoln Keinholz balls out (again) and you wonder if maybe Ohio State let one get away. Kevin Jennings returns to turn-over machine mode with two INTs and a fumble just before crossing the plane. 

Ole Miss 32, LSU 24. Ole Miss rolls out the Welcome Mat for Lane Kiffin, and the Rebs dump the Bayou Bengals in Oxford. Haven't seen the game. A lot of drama. Rebs thanking God for that Trinidad Chambliss 10th year of eligibility ruling. At 24 yrs old, he's just getting started. SEC is a dog-fight from here on out. 

Scores.

Q: GUTTERBALL. How brief the glory. 7.

Chiba: 1 to make 7.

DogTBH: 2 to reach 7. 

Lola: 2 and 2 is 4 total.

Ronde': 2 to make 3. Floundering.

DPo: picks up 2 to go to 8.

SockPuppet: 2 to make 3. Just, you know, not a great start.

SpecialK: 1 to make 5. Barely notices due to 24 hour erection after watching the Florida game.

$$uke: SWEEP! 5 to make 7 and this fucker is right back in it. 

Psycho: 2 adds to his 3 for total 5.

Teebs: 2 to make 5.

McLovin: 2 to equal 5 total.

Big Dom: 2 to join the SausageFest at 5.

Breaux Freaux: 2 to tie for first with 8.

We're movin' on.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

 

GG Week 2 Results

 

"Do I cut the red wire? The green?"

Well, that week Sure didn't work out so great. 

Oklahoma 10, Michigan 17 in Ann Arbor. Hail to the Victors yo. The problem with a sample size of one is that it doesn't really tell you anything. Oklahoma beats up on some tomato can Week One (in this case UTEP) and they're instantly play-off material. Michigan wins ugly against a surprisingly good Western Michigan team and they suck. Until they don't. Not one of us picked Michigan, at home, over the Sooners. We are all so, so stupid. 

Cal Berkely 21, Syracuse 18 in the Dome. Paul Angeli, the Orange QB, throws for 307 yards. Not bad, you say. Except that it took him 50 throws to do it, including three interceptions to the same fucking guy, one of which was returned for 6. 
The struggle is real. 

Ohio State 23, Texas 24 in Memorial Stadium. Six of you picked Texas. Blessedly, I was asleep for the whole thing. It took until Wednesday for me to find the guts to watch it. It was not a positive experience. The only good thing about it was that I accidentally recorded it with a couple of Mexicans calling the game instead of Herbie and Fowler. That part was funny. 

Scores:

Q: 2 to make 7 total.

Chiba: 1 to make 6.

DTBH: GUTTERBALL. Total 5.

Lola : GUTTERBALL. Total 2. Not great.

Ronde': 0. GUTTERBALL! Total is 2. Sad. 

DPo: 1 to total out at 6.

Sock: GUTTERBALL. Total 2. "Billy", what's your deal?

Special K: 2. Adds up to 4.

$$uke: GUTTERBALL. Total 2. No bueno. 

Psycho: 1. Has 3 total.

Teebs: 2 to make 3.

McLovin: 1 to  make 3.

Big Dom: 1 to make 3. Unusually bad.

BreauxFreaux: 1 to make 6. Big fucking deal. 

Onward.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

GG Week Three Games

FRIDAY NIGHT:

#22 Houston Cougars at #13 Texas Tech Raiders, interstate hate, Q vs Psycho, 8 PM, FOX. 

SATURDAY:

#16 Southern Methodist U (SMU) Mustangs at #23 Louisville Cardinals, CJK5H, 3:30 ESPN2.

#7 LSU Tigers at #8 Ole Miss Rebs, regrettably, a full length movie about Lane Kiffin, 7:30, abc.

Roll the bones.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

GG Results, Week One

Charlie Cardinal doesn't give a fuck. 

Apropos of nothing but here's an Instagram clip from some guy in his basement, smoking meth out of a six foot bong, and watching the Indiana game. (Sign in to X to hear the audio. It's worth it.)

Okay, that's not really Charlie Cardinal (above), the Louisville Mascot, but it's close. And, apparently, Lincoln Keinholz had some kind of gash behind his ear, in the second half, that was leaking blood down his jaw. So he's a hemophiliac quarterback too, I guess.

This was, I presume, the REAL Lincoln Keinholz, who went off like a cruise missile to Moscow in the last two quarters against Ole Miss Sunday night. Not deep-fake Lincoln Keinholz, who kind of played like he'd never thrown a football before, in the first two stanzas. 

Louisville 38, Ole Miss 41 in Nashville. A real sweep maker for a few of you sons-of-bitches. 

Which brings us to ... what the fuck, Cal? All I've been hearing is how Cal is really coming on. As a program. In a good way. Not in a punching bag way. Which is what they were, at home,  for the UCLA Bruins, on Saturday night. I guess there's something going on at UCLA, too. Or am I just a dumb-ass who sucks at GG?

UCLA 45, Cal 24. Bitterly disappointed in Berkeley.

Let's put this week's Pig to bed with the truck-drag in Baton Rouge. Lane Kiffin is a fucking jerk. This we know. But, Dabo, Dabo, DABO. I'm shakin' my head. There are a lot of reasons that Clemson stinks like dog poop right now; Brett Venables is at Oklahoma. Paying college players to play for your team is now okay. Dabo refuses to go all-in on the Portal  and can't match the NIL money that others offer. Whatever. Just, ya' know, Dabo is looking like he's toast after this season. If he makes it through this season. Clemson still has to play Miami, Virginia Tech and the South Carolina Gamecocks. Ow.

Clemson 10, LSU 51. I don't know what drugs Lane Kiffin is taking but they're working. For now. 

Scores: 

Q: SWEEP! 5

ChibaChews: SWEEP! 5

DogTheBountyHunter: SWEEP! 5

Lola: 2

Ronde': 1

DPo: SWEEP! 5

SockPuppet: 2

Special K: 2

$$uke: 2

Psycho: 2

Teeblations: 2

McLovin: 2

Big Dom: 2

BroFro: SWEEP! 5.

That'll do it for Week 1. 5 SWEEPERS out front. 

GG Week Two Games

All Saturday games:

#11 Oklahoma at unranked Michigan Wolverines, in Ann Arbor, Noon, FOX.

Cal Golden Bears at Syracuse, in the Dome, 3:30, ACCNetwork.

#1 Ohio State at #4 Texas Longhorns, Memorial Stadium in Austin, Texas, 7:30, abc.

Roll the bones.

Lance Herbstrong,

Commissioner for Life

GG Week One

Get out the way, here come that Gridiron Guru thang.

GG Week One:

Saturday night. 7:30 unranked Clemson Tigers at #11 LSU Tigers. abc. In Baton Rouge.

Saturday night. 10:30. UCLA Bruins at Cal Golden Bears. ESPN. Berkeley, California.

Sunday night. 7:30. #24 Louisville Cardinals at #9 Ole Miss Rebels. abc. Nashville, Tennessee. 

1 for each win, 5 for the sweep. 

Roll the bones, People. 

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life

Season Nineteen Opener

 And we're underway!

Games start next Saturday, August 29th. Yes, thanks to a hyper-motivated BRFL membership we are way ahead of schedule. 

Looking back at the picks, I don't see one that is purely ass. It's unfortunate that, again this year, $$uke's pick seems like maybe the most shaky of them all. This causes me pain. 

We also have three contestants who, if their teams catch fire and win playoff games, could lead to The League conducting its first test drive of The Multiplier. 

You've forgotten what that is. 

In a nutshell, an unranked team that makes the playoff and wins games gets a shit-ton of points. 

Also, betting the ranch and losing is slightly less catastrophic than when $$uke did it, and tanked his season, last year. Check your rule books, that you didn't print out when I sent them to you, for details.

Let's roll. 

Comrade Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life