BRFL Week Zero and Week One Results

 BRFL. Week One Results

He's Keith Richards. And you're not.

Notre Dame 42 over Navy 3 in fucking Ireland. Timmy! waxes his shillegah with heavy friction. But is this a Pope-sanctioned real-deal win or is Sam Hartmann just a pussy-ass Wake Forest refugee looking to boost his non-existent draft stock? I'm just asking questions here, People.

But it's a weird 'Week One'. Let's acknowledge that. Notre Dame has already played 2 games. In Game 2 they kicked the bejesus out of Tennessee State 56 -3. And this Hartmann character went 14/17 for 194 and 2 TDs and posted a QBR of 95.9. Teebs in rapture.

Could these assholes be for real this year? Dunno'!

2 for 2 wins. 1 for the no drop (only one AP Poll came out, don't get greeedy). +3 on the move up to #10 AP. +6 is where you stand, Teeblations.

USC mauls San Jose State 56 - 28. This is a Lincoln Riley USC team. They gave up 28 points to an outmanned, overmatched San Jose State squad. Draw your own conclusions. If'n I had USC (like you do, Q ) I would find this a little unsettling. But that's just me.

San. Jose. State.

But again, 'Week One Weirdness' (how the fuck did this happen, People?). USC blisters Nevada. I  don't give a shit if it was at home or away, okay? You want the stats for Caleb Fucktard? You look 'em up. This is the second win for the Condom Club. Q thinks bad thoughts about The Commissioner, may God anoint him with oils and rub him with herbs and spices.

Start at minus 5. 2 for 2 wins. 1 for the no drop. +3 on the week, -2 for the season.

Texas 37, up top of overmatched Rice 10. Yawn. 4 quarters of ritual sacrifice in Austin. SockPuppet knows joy.

1 for the win. 1 for the no drop. +2 is your place in the universe. 

Jesus Christ on a bicycle, Lola picked #5 LSU and they were up, 17 - 14 @ the half, over Florida State in Orlando. Game over, right? No. Brian Kelley breaks out the bong and the benzos and the Bayou Bengals cough up 31 (yes, 31) unaswered points in the second half and end up getting their asses kicked 45 -24. 

Start at minus 6. Lose to FSU. Minus 9 screaming power dive in the AP. Sweet Jesus, you're at minus 15 after week 1. Oh my fucking GOD.

TexasTech gets into some kind of pervert cage-match with the Wyoming Cowboys (it's fucking Week One, Brethren!) and loses in double OT. 35 - 33, Goat Ropers. Have you been to Wyoming? There are no women there. These fuckers play with anger. BroFro puts on the HurtShirt.

Naught into naught equals naught. The 'Bro has Zero.

Oregon seal-clubs Portland State 81 - 7 in Eugene. This is why they call them 'pay-day games'. This is like a basketball score when one of the teams is in wheelchairs. Snottie rolls.

1 for the win. 1 for the no drop. +2 for the AP move up to #13. +4 total for the Ducks.

Wisconsin butt-fucks Buffalo 38 - 17. (Yes, I bolded 'butt-fucks'). They ran through these turds like shit through a tin horn. Year of the Badger? Dpo wet dream. Change the sheets.

1 for the win. 1 for the no drop. +2 for the 'Po.

Hated Clemson @ Duke. This one was worth waiting for as Duke violates the fading Clemson program 28 - 7. While it is true that Clemson did everything they could to give this game away, red-zone turnovers, an INT, blocked FG attempts, missed tackles and silly plays from ten years ago, they still got skonked by Duke leading to this. Chiba on suicide watch and it's only week 1.

Start at -2. Lose like a little bitch. -16 for the horrific slide to #25 in the AP (so close to the ream, which, had it happened, would have left suicide as your only good option), minus 16 on the week, minus 18 total. Fuck am I glad I'm not you.

Dream season, Chiba?

McLovin's beloved Buckeyes prevail, on the road, over Indiana, 23 - 3. New QB, two new OTs and a new center make for a B1GTen pucker-factor for the Lovin'. Maybe see if you can get shit straightened out against the two tomato cans you've got scheduled coming up in the next two weeks. 

Start at minus 8. Win ugly for 1. Drop 2 in the Almighty AP. Minus 1 on the week. Minus 9 total.

'Bo$$uke's Beavers are all over San Jose State, on the road, 42 - 17. Damien Martinez, 18 totes for 145 yds. The Spartans couldn't get a hand on that Beaver and yes, his name really is  Damien. Beaver Fever in Corvallis. 

1 for the win. 1 for the no drop. +2 on the move up to AP #16. Beaver lives at +4 total. 

Ole Miss trashes Mercer 73 - 7. What the absolute fuck is 'Mercer'? Joey Freshwater logs the win. KBron has a boner. 

1 for the win. . 1 for the no drop. +2 on the move up to AP #20. Ole Miss at +4.

Kansas State ass-hammers South Eastern Missouri State (?!) 45 - 0 in a pay-day instant classic. DogTheBountyHunter feels right. 

1 for the win. 1 for the no drop. +1 on the move up to AP #15. +3 for KSU.

 

Tulane clips Southern Alabama 37 - 17 at home. Maybe Southern Alabama is really good. Or maybe Ronde' is absolutely screwed. Dunno!

1 for the win. 1 for the no drop +2 for Tulane. 

CCS sends the Oklahoma Sooners out, at home, to humiliate Arkansas State so badly that he Ark State head coach broke down in tears (I'm not making this up) on the sidelines and had to be comforted by his players. Yes, Butch Jones squirted them over an epic ass-beat but, really? Butch. You're Arkansas State. You're SUPPOSED to lose to Oklahoma 73 - 0. Just be glad you don't have Lou Gehrig's disease.

Cry baby.

1 for the win. 1 for the no drop. +2 for the AP move up to #18. +4, Boomer Sooner. 

See you next week. 

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life