BRFL Week 1 Results

Komronovich; Florida Gators 24, Miami 20. Take home messages: Feilipe Franks will force throws into triple coverage while protecting a lead and Tathun of House Martell is now a receiver for the 'Canes. AP is merciless. Docks the Gators 3. Minus 2 on the weekend. Started at minus 3. Total is minus 5. Hola, basement dweller.

McLovin; Clemson cock-whips Geo Tech 52 -14. What to say about this fiasco? The only thing Georgia Tech ever had going for them was the Triple Option. Now they've gone pro-style. They are doomed. And every time Trevor Lawrence runs the ball is 1) foolish and 2) a potential season blowing injury for McLovin. 1 for the win, 1 for the no drop.  Plus 2 weekend. Started at minus 10. You, Fucker, are dead last with minus 8.

Jimbosuke; The Holy War right out of the gate. Mormon on Mormon violence. Utes prevail 30 to 12 over BYU. AP rewards the Utes with a +1 move up. Total 3 on the weekend. Why am I so great?

Kitten; UCF Knights maul Florida A&M 62 - 0. Needed 72 to get in the playoff conversation. Cruel AP bullshit drops you one, Kitty. The weekend is a wash. You're still a zero.

Q. Q. Oh, Q; Oregon is a good team. Doesn't mean you aren't completely screwed. Late game comeback sinks the ducks in pond piss water. The AP says, "that shit does not go" and fines you minus 5. No win. Good God, you had a minus 5 weekend already. Which is kind of like a ream only at least you're still ranked. Get your shit together, Woman.

CCS: Alabama squashes Duke 42 -3. One for the win. One for the no drop. You're injury-riddled platoon of deep South retards limps on to week 2. Started at minus 9. Congrats, you stand, shakily, at minus 7.

Snottie; Meechy looks like, well, Meechy, in a lackluster ritual sacrifice of Middle Tennessee, 40 - 21. You can put lipstick on a pig but, at the end of the day, it's still a pig. The Day of Reckoning is coming for Senor Khaki Pants. One for the win, one for the no drop, minus four the start, happy to see you still in negative territory with minus 2.

Obama; Texas 45, Louisiana Tech 14. Louisiana Tech? Still, AP spots you 1. 3 point weekend. Started at minus 1. Looking pretty sharp at positive 2.

DThong;Washington State truck-drags New Mexico State to the tune of 58-7. AP move you up one for this PayDay Game victory. I don't know why. 3 points on the weekend and that's your total.

SkHank; It's so too bad you're not paying attention. Stanford bests Northwestern on the road 17 - 7. Your QB gets cheap-shotted to the head on a slide and the refs missed it. Your QB may also miss the next game. Enjoy the Glory while it lasts, Bitch. AP gives you two. Pat on the back, ToolPouch, you're our leader at 4.

Timmy!; Notre Dame 35, Louisville 17. Yawn. Does anybody give a shit about these games? The AP slavishly kisses the Pope's slippers and gives you one. Like, for what? Beating Louisville? Are you fucking kidding me? 3 point weekend for the Catholics. You started at minus 2. You have 1. Whether you deserve it is a completely different story.

SeannieG; Did you watch any football this weekend or were you too busy stretching your glutes on your floral-pattern yoga mat? Fondling your pecs in the steam tent at your PoofterSpa? Oklahoma bests Houston 49 - 31. Like, big fucking deal, Sean. 1 for the win, 1 for the no drop. Started at minus 7 (7!), now you are minus 5. I'd make you minus 50 if I could, Johnny Butt n' Abs.

BroFro; Oh. The big Armed Forces guy. Jesus. Army squeaks by Rice (?!) 14 - 7. That's a little like carpet-bombing Bangladesh into submission, isn't it, BroFro? Only different. One for the win. You have 1. Big deal. Not your year.

Randi; Listen. You're a friend. So an openly gay life-style is  not something I'm going to criticize you for. Plus, Virginia downed Pitt 30 - 14 for one point on the weekend. Honestly? I hate fucking Mark May so much that if I were running the AP I would give anyone who beat Pitt a 10 point bump in the polls. But that's a fantasy. A lot like your fantasy of winning money in the BRFL this year with Virginia.

SockPocket; Nebraska struggles to down "Southern Alabama" 35 - 21. AP takes notice. Drops you one. You are so close to a ream that, were I in your shoes, I'd be checking the med cabinet for lube. 1 for the win but minus 1 at the hands of the Cruel AP. The weekend is a wash. You. Are. A. Zero.

Onward.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life