No. Football is not "Safe".

Never trust a tobacco company. And never trust the NFL. Here's a little family dinnertime conversation starter that ought to make some moms and dads a little more terrified of football.

If that's possible.

I was the Cooperstown High varsity coach who drew the short straw and had to attend the USA Football, "Heads Up Football" rah-rah session at Saquiot Valley HS. 6 to 9:30 PM on a rainy Tuesday night after work this summer. Some jerk, who was getting paid by USA Football, practically had an orgasm telling us all about how safe Heads Up Football is making football. Then he showed us a bunch of tackling techniques we have all been using for years (with just maybe a few less injuries.) And some totally ineffective blocking techniques that might not get you hurt as often but couldn't block a fucking text message. It was ridiculous and it cost the school I don't know how much. But however much, it was too much. Pretty soon football as we know it won't exist. You won't recognize the sanitized bullshit out on the field as Amurican Football no more, Bronies. 

Football is not safe. 

That's why we love it. 

The only way to take concussions out of football is to use players who don't have heads.

Jimbosuke

Commissioner for Life

Sesame Street Now on HBO - The Count @#*%& Himself!

The countdown to Jambopalooza is on. Can you tell me how to get, how to get to the Commissioner's Street?

Who's Got It Better Than Us/Remix

Why does Jim Harbaugh remind me of a serial killer?

Jimbosuke

Your Move, Urban Meyer

TOSU looking to break into Fulmer Cup race?

B. Dunne be done.
"Altercation with girlfriend. Translation: Smack my Bitch up.
A serious 4 star disappointment. At least he has the Sports Industry degree to fall back on.
Go Bucks.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

2016 Fulmer Cup Standings

As of June 7, 2016: Fulmer Cup Standings

Rank	Program	Pts	Conf
(1)	Colorado	68	Pac-12
NR	Utah State	32	MWC
(2)	Georgia	21	SEC
(3)	Kentucky	19	SEC
NR	Eastern Washington	19	Big Sky
(4)	Hawai'i	15	MWC
(5)t	Kansas	14	Big 12
(5)t	Youngstown State	14	Missouri Valley
(7)	Coastal Carolina	13	Big South
(8)t	Alabama	12	SEC
(8)t	Auburn	12	SEC
(8)t	Miami	12	ACC

Yeah, you may not have heard of it, but it is a thing. Now in its 10th year, the Fulmer Cup, named after former Tennessee coach Phil "Nothing to See Here" Fulmer, tracks the nefarious doings of college 'ballerz. Points awarded thusly:

Newcomers and veterans alike are encouraged to read the rules below to familiarize themselves with the scoring system. Any adjustments to scoring are made after the season.

Points	Crime	Notes
1	Assorted Petty Misdemeanors/Citations
2	Underage Drinking	Rules is rules.
2	Marijuana Use/Possession	The player has to be cited for it, so this gives certain states a built-in exemption.
2-4	Domestic Violence
3-4	Misdemeanor/Felony Assault
3-4	Miscellaneous Felonies
3	DUI/DWI/OWI	"Driving through houses drunk" charges may earn extra credit.
3	Possession (Non-Weed)
4	Possession with Intent to Sell	Including just having too many drugs on you in the first place.
4	Vehicle Theft
5	Grand Larceny	Includes theft on the level of a jewel thief - so outrageous it demands to be called 'a caper.'
6-8	Sex Crimes
9	Bestiality	Baaaaad.
15	Attempted Murder	Partial credit for incompletion.
20	Murder
25	Cannibalism	Bonus infraction if NCAA guidelines on portion size are exceeded.

Any other violations are considered on an individual basis by the FCC (Fulmer Cup Committee).

Bonus points are assigned for repeat offenders, teamwork, and a variety of subjective reasoning based on flair, pizazz, stupidity or obvious point-worthiness.

The Committee has final say on all issues regarding The Fulmer Cup, its rules, awards, and interpretations. Committee members were selected by the collaborative effort of the /r/CFB Mods.

More on this esteemed ranking here.

What is sooo disturbing is why are we not wagering on this? 

Bronies

While you were distracted by the usual Nick Saban/Crimson Tide weasel-fest I was alerted to a new and extremely dangerous threat to Our Way of Life.

They call themselves Bronies.

I happened upon this disturbing phenomenon while making my rounds at the jail. As you know, there are a lot of perverts in the county jail. Doesn't matter which county. Up here we have a lot of child molesters, rapists, recidivist drunks. We had a guy once, multiple DUIs, went to a bar on a rainy night in March on a horse. Picked up the drunkest girl he could find while her friends were in the bathroom. Convinced her to ride back with him (on the horse) to his place and tried to climb on her. Too late. Her friends showed up and beat the hell out of him, broke his arm, called the cops.

But this Bronie thing is different. It's fucked up. It's a whole sub-culture of grown men who make a fetish out of My Little Pony. And don't believe the shit you read in magazines like the Atlantic. That anyone would take their kid to a Bronie convention is, well, let's just say it's seriously questionable judgement. It seems like a lot of people knew about Bronies before I did. And, far from being totally creeped out about it and casting about for an ax handle to beat on any Bronie they could find, they wrote about it and kind of encouraged it. Like, "it's cool, don't worry. Bronies are just normal dudes."

Well, it's not cool, My People. It's deeply fucked up. And sure, there are probably "normal" straight Bronies that just happen to be really into a toy that was designed in the 1980s to appeal specifically to prepubescent girls. (I guess.) But there is also a subset of creepy little motherfuckers (like the one I "met" in the jail) who do some pretty awful things that I can't talk about and also, wow, hey - they just happen to be proud Bronies too. Coincidence? Look at that picture. Now tell me it's a coincidence.

They all look like this, by the way. Fat faced, chubby little troll-like freaks who are just unspeakably twisted. "Anti-social" just doesn't do the job, descriptively. "Hideous little scumbag who tricks the jail doctor into inspecting his bung hole for some fabricated anus malady" is a better description.
I didn't think that Bronie prank was funny.

And, yes, many Bronies are indeed gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. But if you're gay and you become a Bronie you've crossed a line because a lot of gay little Bronies do some pretty horrible stuff that can get you sent away for 3 to 5 and then make it necessary for you to register as a sex offender wherever you go, for the rest of our life.
Plenty of time to watch cartoons though.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

Monumental Fuck Up in Columbus

I'm the Commissioner and I can do what I want.
So, like, if I want to go out on a limb and make a dire prediction, I can.

And this is my prediction:

I don't know why Urbs brought Goofy Greg Schiano into the Cradle of Coaches in the first place.
He (Mr. Schiano) was a douche at Rutgers and a Catastrodouche in Tampa Bay.
Fine.
I guess they're friends.
And? And??
Like, I have friends. Not many. But I wouldn't put my career on a slow boat to China just to give them another shot at not being a douchebag.

Now this shit.

So, Urban Meyer. Listen up here. There are dozens of good defensive coordinators  out there. Many would love to make their chops at TOSU and move on to a schweet head coaching job in college or even the pros. Douchiano has had his FUCKING CHANCE in both arenas and he hasn't exactly distinguished himself. Rutgers? Tampa Bay?

Urbs, are you just not paying attention? People get really cheesed off when somebody enables Orphan Groping in Div I showers. It's upsetting. There are no winners here. There is no defence. If you even thought you heard someone yelping because someone else was trying to shove something in their hey-nanny-nanny you really have to step up and say, "hey, this doesn't go". And if there is even a chance that someone on your staff, who has been on your staff for exactly zero games, had any knowledge of this kind of thing and didn't just dime out the head coach, who was obviously all Alzheimered up already, then you just dump his ass. You call him into your office and you say, "Greg, I hope you  haven't bought a house yet. Because I am dropping your ass like you have leprosy. Goodbye."

But no. This is what you do.

And now you are screwed. Because you have tied your fate to this loser.
So, I'm going out on a limb.
This Greg Douchiano shit is what brings Urban down.

Fuck.
I hate life.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

The Stain of Joe Paterno

Well, just in case there were still some people  out there who thought Joe Pa somehow managed to keep from knowing his DC was buggering boys in the Penn State showers, it looks like denial just took a big hit.

And, just to show that a giant shit storm covers a lot of people with shit, Greg Schiano is looking down the barrel at having one of the shortest Ohio State coaching careers in history. 'Cause if you're going to say that all these Penn State football coaches that knew Jerry Sandusky was butt banging boys in the shower should swing from the gallows pole you'd better round up a rope for the Nut Job from New Jersey right quick. He was one of them.

This should be interesting. There were a lot of Ohio State fans (like everybody else) who were ready to drag ol' Joe Pa' behind a pick up truck and close down Penn State football once and for all over the hiney poking that went on during his tenure. Now we get this. Gonna' want Greggy representin' at the Shoe, knowing what you know?

Personally, I've been hating on Joe Pa since before we knew he ignored the fact that his defensive coordinator was slipping the sausage to a bunch of football worshiping orphans. And I'm also not a huge fan of Greg Schiano and thought he was a shitty pick to replace anybody at TOSU.

So, for me, this is win-win.
And who's more important than me?
To be honest? Nobody, really.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

Pay Out Numbers: A Painful Story told with Hyperlinks

I hate to interrupt all that BRFL research that's going on out there.
I can hear the clacking of your keyboards as you drill down for more info on the O Line depth at Clemson, try to figure out why pundits praise Florida State in preseason polls, puzzle over the Les Miles paradox and analyze the QB situation at down at Baylor.

But...first we need to settle up and get our draft order set up nice. ( McLuvin' and Q, you have a coin-flip situation).

(BTW, in case your wondering what the image above is about, say 'hello' to the Dallas Blowbot.)

My People, this is what BRFL pain looks like. I wish I could be with you at this difficult moment.

Take a look at the numbers. I'm sorry I didn't collect for GG and Heismaniac up front last year. I'm appointing BroFro Treasurer this year because I'm pretty sure nobody trusts me.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life