Seven Win Steve

 The Agony of Steve Sarkisian. 

Once upon a time there was a boy named Steve Sarkisian.

He grew up around Torrance, California and he was a darn good baseball and football player. He bumped around playing USC and JUCO baseball (USC, JUCO - samesies) until someone convinced him to play JUCO football at El Camino Jr College, where he showed real promise and eventually transferred to BYU. He had a brief but outstanding career there in the mid-1990s. BYU won the WAC. He was offensive player of the year in 1996. Did a couple years in the CFL as the QB for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders. 

Then came coaching. 

Sark has been around. I won't say 'journeyman' but I'm thinking it.

First up, back to El Camino as the QB coach. Then a brief stint at USC (QBs) and then the NFL. OC for the Oakland Raiders  and then, after a winless season in 2007, the University of Washington named him the new head man. 

There were problems at UW. He couldn't win more than seven games a season (hence "Seven Win Steve") aaaaannnnnd he started drinkin'. There are stories about Steve showing up at practice with a few drinks under his belt. Stories about Steve being liquored up on the sidelines during games. 

Not judging. A lot of pressure. 

I've been known to drink too much, just like Steve. 

By the way, Steve-o is wound pretty tight. And, oh yeah, he doesn't like being touched. 

Got married. Had kids. Got divorced. Moved on to a stint as Head Coach at USC in 2013 and that's when the wheels came off. 

At the annual big donor event at USC (the 'Salute to Troy') Coach Sark got so hammered that he couldn't finish his closing speech. Not that he didn't try. Dropping F-bombs and slurring and just generally cussing and throwing the deuces and being 'the hammered guy' at this big, crucial fundraiser. In between he worked the crowd, slopping up cocktails and tellin' dildo jokes (of course). 

The boosters were not happy. Pat Haden, notorious douche and USC Athletic Director at the time,  pinned a 'zero tolerance' policy on Steve-o. As in, "no more getting fucking plastered on company time or you're done." 

Which I guess went okay, until Steve showed up at practice completely lit and got sent home by the assistant coaches. Apparently not the first time he came to practice with a bag on. But it was the last time 'cause Pat Haden put him on indefinite leave of absence and then fired him a few days later. 

Oh well. Shit happens. Rehab, or whatever, was next and then Nick Saban picked him up as an 'analyst' (because that's what Nick Saban did back then) in 2016. 

Back to the pros (Atlanta) the next year. 

Back to Alabama as the QBs coach the year after that. 

Got married again.

This is Steve's second wife. Warning: some people may find these pictures disturbing. 

Hey, I'd drink too.

And then  ... and then. 

The University of Texas at Austin came a knockin' in 2021.

I guess he wanted to put the whole rehab/sobriety thing to the test because, if USC and the University of Washington turned him into a gin-soaked, cussin' dildo-joker,  imagine what the pressure at Texas could do. If it wasn't for rehab that is. 

Texas? Those god damn people are crazy. Football is religion down there. They make Alabama look like dabblers. 

Steve-o to the rescue. 

2021: 5 wins, 7 L's 

2022: 8 and 5

2023: 12 - 2, won the Big 12 (yes, Texas was still in the Big 12 then).

2024:  13 - 3, but you're in the SEC now so fuck you, you lost 3 games.

2025: 10 - 3, fuck you again.

Translation: Sark hasn't exactly set the Lone Star State on fire. 

And now there's this year's schedule.

vs Texas State (probably a top 5 offense, again)

vs Ohio State

vs UTSanAntonio

@ Tennessee (uh-oh)

@ Oklahoma (um...)

vs Florida

vs Ole Miss (caution flag) 

vs Missippi State

@ Missouri

@ LSU (oh my god)

vs Arkansas

@ Texas A&M

So, basically, Steve-o delivers the goods to the burnt orange alumni fanbase this year or he leaves Texas "to explore new opportunites". Like NFL opportunities. 

The mountain is high, Amigos.

31 days.

Lance Herbstrong

Commissioner for Life