Gridiron Guru, the Debut

GG Season 8, week one, you bitches:

1:  (5) Georgia @ (8) Clemson 8 PM Sat
McTool's SEC bullshit team vs.Snottie's ACC collapsible rape dummy.

2:  (22) Northwestern @ unranked Cal 10:30 PM Sat
Egg-head, Chicago-based cross dressers  vs. drug-addled counter culture hippies.

3.  (12) LSU vs (20) TCU, neutral site. 9 PM Sat
Crazy.
Les.
Miles.

1 point for each win.
5 points if you nail them all.

Fuck you.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

Draft Marches On

QSpot still on the clock until 9:35 PM. Then Randiddle is up. 24 hours later, it's SkhankHole and then back to BroFro who has been located. First game is Thursday night. With a little luck we'll wrap up the draft by then. If you haven't mailed me your Second Thoughts Draft Pick you might want to get on that. The life you save may be your own. Email it to jamslak@gmail.com. The Second Thoughts Pick is the pick you almost made but didn't.

Jimbosuke

Have You Seen BroFro?

At what point do we put pictures of BroFro on milk cartons?

Hurting.

Hating.

Jimbosuke

BroFro Update- Resting Comfortably

Shocking X-ray: Doctors remove fork from penis of BroFro

The case is considered so unusual it has been written-up by three doctors in the International Journal of Surgery Case Report

ROB WILLIAMS 

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Doctors in Cooperstown have removed a 10-centimetre fork from the penis of a  man who inserted it into his uretha in an attempt to achieve sexual gratification.

The case is considered so unusual it was written-up by three doctors in the International Journal of Surgery Case Report last month.

According to the report the man presented at Bassett Hospital emergency department with a bleeding sexual organ.

The Freemans Journal says he told doctors he had inserted the piece of cutlery into his urethra almost 12 hours earlier in an attempt to achieve sexual gratification, but the fork - perhaps unsurprisingly - became stuck.

Doctors were able to feel the fork from outside and remarkable x-ray images showed the utensil wedged into the man's penis.

Medics finally removed the item using forceps and "copious lubrication" while the patient was under a general anaesthetic. "That dude is some kinda fucked up," one doctor commented. 

The case appears in the International Journal of Surgery Case Report published last month and is entitled "An Unusual Urethral Foreign Body".

In the document medics remark that it was rare to see objects lodged in the lower urinary tract.

Doctors explained that they wrote up the case "given the great management challenge faced by the oddity and infrequency with which a fork is encountered in the penile urethra".

“It is apparent that the human mind is uninhibited let alone creative," they wrote.

“Autoerotic stimulation with the aid of self-inserted urethral foreign bodies has been existent since time immemorial and have presented an unusual but known presentation to urologists."

According to the Freemans Joutrnal the report lists other objects found in parts of other bodies including wire, Allen keys, toothbrushes, light bulbs, thermometers, plants, vegetables, leeches, snakes and glue.

The newspaper also notes that the report says many patients try to remove items that become stuck because of embarrassment.

Their own attempts to extract the objects often result in further injuries the paper notes.

BroFro Bulletin

BROFRO HAS GONE DEEP COVER!

No response to pleading emails.
Not at work.
Cell phone is "not a working number", in English and Spanish.
Home phone kicks me to a disembodied voice instructing me to leave a message.

Oh, I left a message alright.

Earnhart Duke II.
Pope
BRFL

JImbosuke on the clock.

Chip n'Syph on the clock!

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

Draft Days

ClemboSlice goes with the UCLA. Over to you, McTool.
Clemson, Louisville and UCLA are taken.

Jimbosuke
Commissioner for Life

#20, Oklahoma State

"Come after ME! I'm a MAN! I'm FORTY!"

Okie State.

SeaGrass is on the clock. Clemson is gone to Snottie.
Don't forget to email me that second thoughts draft pick.

Jimbosuke

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/big12/2013/08/19/oklahoma-state-2013-preview-college-football-countdown/2669519/

#21, Northern Illinnois

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/mac/2013/08/18/northern-illinois-niu-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2668923/

Huskies.

Bullshit.

Snottie in with Clemson.

Jimbosuke

Behold, the AP Poll arrives

http://www.sportingnews.com/ncaa-football/story/2013-08-17/college-football-rankings-ap-poll-top-25-preseason-alabama-ohio-state-stanford?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

Draft days are here again, sing hallelujah.

Here's the draft order:

Snottie:  Clemson Tigers
SeaGras:  Louisville Cardinals
ClemClam:  UCLA Bruins
McTool:  Georgia Bulldogs
Jimbosuke:  Baylor Bears
SockSack:  Wisconsin Badgers
BroFro: Virginia Tech Hokies
TimmyBons: Texas A&M Aggies
Chip n' Syph: Michigan State Spartans
 Drewche: USC Trojans
QLove : Boise State Broncos
Randgina: Miami Hurricanes
SkHank: on the clock

Pick the #1 team in the poll, ream yourself, start at minus 5.
Pick #2, start at minus 4, etc.
#5 you start at minus 1, Mr. PlayItSafe.
Every one else starts at 0.

Second Thoughts Draft.

Not sure how this will work yet but please send me your #2 pick, the team you couldn't quite bring yourself to pick, in an email, to jamslak@gmail.com.

Let's get to it, People,

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

#22, Northwestern

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/bigten/2013/08/16/northwestern-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2665887/

#22 until somebody goes down with an injury.

Meh.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

#23, Virginia Tech

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/acc/2013/08/16/virginia-tech-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2664787/

Ask ClemboSlice about these pussies.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life.

How Many Tries Until They Figured It Out?

LOOKS FAMILIAR, DON'T IT, ALABAMA FANS?

ESPN caught Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly denying the existence of a gauntlet apparatus set up backwards on his practice field. A running back was able to determine that the device was, in fact, unable to be entered.

"Oh, they got it backwards. You guys are freaking kidding me," Kelly says after being confronted with the evidence.

#24, Kansas State

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/big12/2013/08/15/kansas-state-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2660041/

Brutal schedule much?

Jimbosuke

AP Poll Is a Comin'

Official release date for the AP poll is Saturday, August 17.

Gird your loins lads. Gird them for all they're worth.

That is all.

#25, Fresno State

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/mwest/2013/08/14/fresno-state-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2657223/

Ask Timmy Bons about these bitches.

Who would pick these douchebags? I mean, who in their right mind?
They are not playing anybody except perennial piss-gargler, Boise State.
Fuck. Mountain West,West Division. Does that sound gay, or is it just my imagination?

Fresno State Bulldogs. Go ahead and pick these AssClowns. I can't stop you.
I'm just.....


....Jimbosuke
Commissioner for Life

#26, Tulsa

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/cusa/2013/08/14/tulsa-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2653657/

Here's a team that might attract a guy like BroFro.

Conference USA.

Probably not ranked.

A marquee' game against Oklahoma.

Jimbosuke

#27, Little Brother

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/bigten/2013/08/13/michigan-state-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2649661/

Michigan State University.

Sparty.

versus Michigan, in East Lansing, November 2.

Early game on the road vs. Notre Dame. They dump the Domers, you're a BRFL genius.

They get pounded by the Irish, it's a long season for you.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

#28, Miami (the University of)

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/acc/2013/08/13/miami-fla-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2647815/

Are you fucking kidding me?

Jimbosuke

#29, TCU

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/big12/2013/08/13/tcu-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2646747/

Texas Christian.

Whenever I see them play, from now until I die, I'll think, "Alcoholic signal caller and oft injured running backs". Then I will change the channel.

Scumbags.

Jimbosuke

2013 College Football Helmet Schedule-

2013 College Football Schedule

Woody Hayes, Eye Poker

Urban tells crazy Woody Hayes Story

Found February 12, 2013 on Crystal Ball Run: 

TEAMS: 

Via Crystal Ball Run:

There are moments (which seem to happen more during the college football offseason, than at any other time) where stories come out that simply seem too good to be true. Or in some cases too bad to be true. Whatever the case, they’re so unbelievable, so outlandish, so ridiculous, that they really need to be heard to be believed.

One of those stories came on Monday afternoon, and came courtesy of Urban Meyer, who was speaking at an Ohio coaches convention. After waxing poetic about his program, changes in recruiting tactics by younger coaches and the state of Big Ten recruiting in general, well, Urban just got a little weird.

Actually, in Urban’s defense, it was more a story of legendary Ohio State coach Woody Hayes getting weird, when Urban was on Earl Bruce’s OSU staff in the 1980s.

Here is the story, with a big thanks to CoachingSearch.com for sharing it with us:

"So I guess Ohio State had lost the bowl game, so Earl Bruce brings in Woody Hayes. I had been there just a week and I'm thinking, 'Holy, this is Coach Hayes.' I'm sitting in the back. Coach Hayes was not healthy at the time, but stands up and starts laying into the coaching staff about toughness. That we have no toughness in the program. That's why we lost the game. On and on and screaming, this old guy pounding the table. He says, 'We have no toughness, and the reason is because you're not tough. No one on this staff is tough enough, and that's a problem.'

"He reaches down and grabs this box, slides the top and there was something in the box moving around. He reaches in and he pulls out this turtle. He reaches down, this turtle's snapping and he says, 'I'm going to show you toughness.' He unzips his pants and takes out whatever he takes out. The turtle reaches up and snaps at him. You see the veins and the sweat (on Hayes). He screams at the coaches, 'That's toughness! That's f'n toughness!' He reaches down, pokes the turtle right in the eye and it falls off. He wipes the sweat off his forehead and says, 'That's the problem. We don't have anybody in this room tough enough to do that right there.'

"(One assistant) raises his hand and says, 'Coach, I'd do this. Just promise not to poke me in the eye.'"

So yeah, about that, huh?

Safe to say that we have officially arrived in college football's offseason.

Bear Steals McStain's Home.

#30, UCLA

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/pac12/2013/08/10/ucla-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2638389/

Bruins.

And McLovin's latest bear video.
This one he shot himself while he was diving for cigarette butts in a dumpster.

Jimbosuke

#31, Wisconsin

http://www.usatoday.com/topic/980e11db-b6b3-49f3-9ccf-ed0fe5ea7193/college-football-countdown/

The Badgers.
Looking at you, Scott.

Was there ever a man so bitterly betrayed?
Everybody has won money with these chumps. Every. Body.
Betting the Badgers is like betting you'll get ten bucks from your grandfather on your birthday. It's a lock. It's a sure fucking thing.

Enter Snotty.

And here's where it gets tragic.
It was his son's wedding day. Great big wonderful wedding. (Thanks, Scott. Really.) Beautiful weather. Skaneateles in the late summer. Are you kidding me? The sun. The water. The boats. Leaves just beginning to turn. Opening kick off of BRFL Season Seven just days (DAYS!) away.
This should have been a great, great day for Scotty Ryan. I mean, come on, right? Does it get any better? His friends. His family. Everybody seeing that, basically, Scott is a big success. Got the righteous house. Got the biz. The beautiful family. Got it all. Right? Right?
But then...then. The guy. I don't know who this guy was. Friends, friends. I was pretty drunk by the time we hit the reception. I'm not proud of it. I was walking on peg-legs and wearing a pair of rocking shoes.When I spoke it was, let's face it, like listening to a schizophrenic free-associate his way out of a jam. I was not the only one.
And I'm sharing drinks with Snotty. And SeaGrass. Amigos. Getting together. Sharing a special moment. Along with this guy. Whom I did not know. Whom Snott had apparently invited. And this dude was a business associate, apparently. And a Wisconsin alumnus. Nay, perhaps even a Wisco Badger booster.

Snotty should have left it alone. Let the golden day be the golden day.

But, alas, no. Scott had to ask this man what he thought about his BRFL pick for Season 7. He had to. Shark got to swim, right? Dog got to bite? BRFLer got to get some reassurance about his pick.

And then the dreaded words. All the dude said was, well, that he thought they were over rated and RANKED TOO HIGH (oh...oh....oh my GOD!)
Scott got that look on his face. You know the look. You've seen it in the mirror, Brethren. When you're heisman hopeful QB goes down in week three. When you're #1, 2 and 3 RBs blow their knees out in week 4, 5 and 6. When you're head coach gets a DUI. Or you're top 5 starters get suspended for urinating on a campus police officer. You know the look.
And the rest is history.
And that is the Legend of Snotty and the Badgers.

Who's gonna' pick these butt-hairs this year?

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

#32, BYU

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/2013/08/07/brigham-young-byu-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2628127/

Brigham. Damn. Young.

Jimbosuke rode these Mormongoloids to mediocrity a couple years ago. Fuck them.

Jimbosuke

#33, Baylor

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/2013/08/06/baylor-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2624209/

Baylor. Figured prominently in McLovin's Second Thoughts Draft self abuse.

Jimbosuke

#34, Much Hated Cincinnati

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/2013/08/05/cincinnati-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2619845/

Who's that with the headset for the BearCunts?
Why, Lawdy Lawdy, it's the ol' riverboat gambler his self: Tommy Fucking Tuberville.

Things didn't work out in Lubcock, TX for T squared so it's one more toss out of the Div I coaching Yahtzee cup and here the douche pops up in Cincinnati. God  how I hate Cincinnati. Cincinnati is the Binghamton of Ohio. In other words, a shit hole. Ol' Tommy 'bout to get his Bearcat on and it serves him right. Fuck him. And Cincinnati. Douche peas in a douche pod. Loiusville will kick their asses (again). Cincinnati has a boner for T squared because they think he can bring them southern boys up north to play in....Cinciannti? Dream on, Peckerwoods. The river boat gambler won't hang around long enough for you to mine that pipeline.

I. Fucking hate. Cincinnati.

Jimbosuke

It's like Milk is like Football and Your Blouse is the Phone

Uh huh, Yeah.

Butter the scone, boys. Butter the scone.

#35, Georgia Tech

We're gonna' run it. Then, we'll probably run it. On third down and whatever: run. And fourth  and less than ten, I say we fucking run it at 'em

Bazinga!

.http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/2013/08/04/georgia-tech-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2616273/

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

USA Today Poll, Bitcheros

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/ncaaf/polls/

What do these douchebags know?

Jimbosuke

#36, Oregon State Beavers

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/2013/08/03/oregon-state-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2615163/

Beavs.

Jiimbosuke

#37, Penn State

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/2013/08/02/penn-state-college-football-2013-preview/2612975/

We are, penn state.

And we are going to suck ass this year.

Jimbosuke

Liberace. Out.

Q-spot outs the Sequined Showman.
I think he likes it.

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life

#38, Vanderbilt

http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/2013/08/01/vanderbilt-college-football-countdown-2013-preview/2609845/

once.
twice.
three times a lady.
the Commodores. #38.

JImbosuke