BRFL Season 18. Final scores.
Q takes the cheese. Our girl picked first and she took BYU, an unranked team. Alas, she did not make the CF Playoff so we weren't able to see 'The Multiplier' in action. (You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? It's okay.)
Here's how she took the BRFL crown: She had 42 points when she lost to Texas Tech in the Conference Championship (Big 12) game, week 15. Then BYU snuffed Georgia Tech in the Pop Tarts Bowl. 2 for the bowl win, moved up +1 in the final AP, 1 for the no drop, 5 from GG, Q Woman ends the season with 50 and ranked #11 in the final AP. $$uke will be paying her $64. His wound is deep.
Second time Q has taken the Crown.
Big Dom takes second place. The Domster also tapped an unranked team to start the season. Utah. Picked up a no drop point on week 15 to make 34. Then the Utes kicked the shit out of Nebraska in the SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl. 2 for the win, moves up 1 in the final AP, 1 for the no drop, ties for first in GG so picks up 10 points there, final score 48. Loses by a whisker to Q. Utah ends up AP ranked #14. Impressive. Still, second place is for losers.
SockPuppet walks away with the Liberace. Third place this year for 'Puppet. Picked up a no drop, week 15, to make 37 points going into the CFP. Gets shut down hard by Miami in the first round, minus 1 from the AP puts him back to 36. Grabs 7 from a fine showing in GG and ends the season with 43. Texas Tech, once so promising, ends up ranked #8 in the final AP.
That's life in the fast lane, Bitch.
Lola. Fourth place with Dan Lanning and the Ducks. How did she get there? In the regular season she lost one game (one!), to Indiana, at home. The Ducks cruised into the playoffs with 19 BRFL points. Skonked two victims (JMU and Texas Tech) in the first two rounds (7 points) then got dumped AGAIN by Indiana (this time an ass-whipping, 56 - 22.) Oddly, they move up one in the final AP Poll, snagged a no drop point and then hit the GG bank for 3, ending the season with 31 points and ranked #4 in the AP.
Lola, perennial BRFL punching bag, has never done this well. Ever.
I ... well ... I'm still just trying to process it.
BroFro. Also fourth place. The Breaux, sticking his neck out on an unranked team, taps Memphis, in the American Conference. The Tigers come out of the gate winning 6 straight. They carpet-bomb Tulsa week 4 and BroFro gets the DIDDLE. Then they catch a BYE week and then, oh, God, no. NO! They stumble against UAB on the road and lose 31 - 24. The AP is merciless and it's REAM! time for the Bro. Cruel. But wait. The next week they upset #18 USF in Memphis and, well, helllll-oh, DIDDLE. What the fuck is going on, you're wondering. Not much for a week or two until the Tigers get dumped by Tulane at home and the Bro receives his final REAM!
Sadly, Memphis never recovers and they drop their last three games and get truck-dragged by NC State, 31 - 7, in the Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl. The Bro had racked up 13 points by then. He hauled down 10 more points for winning GG and finishes with 23 points, unranked but #5 in the BRFL.
At the end of the day though, am I the only one mystified by this pick?
I might be. That's something you'll need to work out.
McLovin. Are you shitting me?! Lovin tapped Alabama for Season 18 and finished fifth. I object strongly to this outcome, but let's go INSIDE THE NUMBERS and see how it happened.
At the end of week one, McLovin and the Tide were in shit-house Hell🔥after a humiliating loss to Florida State (who sucked for like the 20th year in a row.) McLovin was at minus 13.
Then he played some tomato-can teams and just caught fire. He cruised into the SEC Championship game with 16, pissed himself and took the 'L' from Georgia, entered the playoffs with 15. He beat Oklahoma (that's 3 points) and then got absolutely flattened by Indiana, 38 - 3. When the dust settled the final AP Poll bumped him up 2, he got a no drop point and cashed his GG check for 2 more. Total 23. Final AP #9. BRFL #5.
Never got reamed all season. Probably should have.
Ronde'. This fucking guy. Taps the Tennessee Vols, for reasons best known to him. After a thoroughly unimpressive 8 - 4 season during which the Vols lost to every single quality opponent they played, usually at home, Ronde' enters the post-season with 13 BRFL points. Then he drops the Liberty Mutual Music City Bowl to Illinois 28 - 30. Great big zero on Bowl Week. Earned 4 from GG, total on the year is 17. Where did it all go wrong? Probably that hard REAM in week 14 after a blow-out home loss to Vanderbilt. Tennessee was ranked #24 in the AP pre-season poll but ended the year unranked. #6 BRFL.
Does this mean Ronde' is not a good person?
That's not for me to say.
DPo. The Po went with unranked Nebraska and hot-shot QB Dylan Raiola, in his second year at his second school. A reasonable pick, and the first half of the season went really well: 5 and 1 and that one loss was to Meechy by 3 points. Deeps even earned the coveted DIDDLE, week 7.
But the second half of the season? Not great. Mr. Raiola became a tackling dummy and the losses piled up. The REAM came for DPo week 8 (yes, right after week 7) and things generally went off the rails from there, culminating in a loss to Illinois in the Liberty Mutual Music City Bowl. DPo had ten going into that game and scored only 1 in GG. Final score: 11. 7th place, unranked and discouraged.
Dylan Raiola has transferred to Oregon.
ChibaChews. Chose Boise State, AP#25. I guess the thinking here was, "there's nowhere to go but up!"
Except when there is. Right out of the blocks Chewy gets the REAM! in a 7 - 34 drubbing at USF. I'm guessing this is not how Chiba drew it up. The Broncos then reeled off 3 straight wins in, basically, pillow fights. They then completely douched a chance at redemption in a lop-sided loss to Notre Dame the next week. 3 more boring wins and then they closed out the regular season with two losses, SDSU and Fresno State. But wait. There's more.
Somehow this woeful team found themselves playing for the Conference Championship against UNLV and they won, 25 - 24. Boise State had 3 BRFL points going into week 15. Add the conference champs 3, add a respectable GG payday of 5, and it's 11 total for the Chewmeister. Unranked and tied for #7 in the BRFL.
But for God's sake, Kitten, Boise State?
They were 8 and 4 and playing for the Conference Championship. That's how bad the rump PAC-12 is.
Are you missing a chromosome or something?
Kbrony. Special K took the SMU Mustangs, a safe pick ranked #16 in the preseason AP. The Ponies gave him his first REAM! Week 2, a double OT loss to Baylor at home. The KMan didn't earn his DIDDLE! until week 13 but, alas, he got his second REAM! the very next week, a 35 - 38 loss to Cal on the road. At least he was able to drop Arizona in the Trust & Will Holiday Bowl which, I assume, has something to do with estate planning. I don't know. We're checking into it.
The Brony galloped into week 15 with minus 6. He picked up 2 for the bowl win. Bagged a sweet 8 points in GG. Finished in the black at +4 and unranked. 8th place.
Is it okay to be a Brony? I'm not the one to ask. Really, I'm not.
Dog The Bounty Hunter. This looked like a solid pick, AP#22 Iowa State. Who knew the Big12 was going to be such a free-for-all? The Cyclones opened the season with 5 straight wins, including over #17 Kansas State in the opener. Oh, but then. An inexplicable collapse over three straight games; Cincinnati on the road, Colorado (!) on the road (got the REAM! for that one). Then they got boat-raced by BYU at home, 41 - 27. Just to rub it in, they lost to lowly Arizona State at home the next week as a journeyman backup Sun Devil QB shredded their defense and broke some records. DTBH ends the season with 3 straight wins. Came into week 15 with 4 points. Oddly, there was no bowl appearance ( I think the coach left for another job.) Dog did not get one single point out of GG. Sad. Total 4. Unranked. Tied for 8th place in the BRFL.
Psycho. Illinois. I'm not gonna' lie. I thought this was a solid pick at #12 preseason AP. Bret Bielema's boys mostly molested a bunch of MAC teams early on, running it up and squeezing the life out of teams with a formidable defense.
Then Indiana hung 63 on them in Bloomington and they dropped like a stone in the AP, minus 14.
Then they got plowed by Ohio State in Champaign and it was REAM! time.
The next week, with a BYE, somehow, and I don't know how, they got the DIDDLE! and were right back in it. But wait.
The next week they get scorched by Washington on the road, 42 - 25 and the REAM! came back to town. Week fifteen saw Psycho at minus 5. The Fighting Illini snuck by Tennessee 30 - 28 in the Liberty Mutual Music City Bowl. 2 for that win, nothing from the AP, a respectable +6 from GG and, yes, Psycho finishes in the black with +3. Unranked. 9th place.
Is Bert Bielema a total fraud? It's possible.
Timmy! LSU. Crazy Brian Kelly. The future looked bright after dumping highly ranked Clemson on the road in 'Death Valley'. But then the Bayou Bengals struggled in wins over Louisianna Tech and Florida and they had trouble running the football. Hypersensitive Brian Kelly couldn't even talk about the running game without blowing a fuse in post-game pressers. High Blood Pressure Brian's team was pushed around by Ole Miss in a nasty take-down in Oxford, week 5. Had a BYE, then dumped SowCow by a narrow margin at home. Then they lost a close one toVandy on the road and the next week got absolutely dog-walked in a blow out loss to Texas A&M at home. LSU decided to eat BKelly's billion dollar buy-out and they fired his ass that weekend. After that, well, death spiral.
Teebs limped into week 15 with minus 11. A loss to Houston in the Kinder's Texas Bowl didn't help. Thank God Teeblations had 9 GG points in the bank. Finished the season at minus 2, unranked and in 10th place in the BRFL.
Take home message? Brian Kelly is radioactive. Shun him.
$$uke The Mindless ($TM): Here's a guy, hitched his wagon to Arizona State. QB Sam Leavitt was returning at QB, short-listed for the Heisman. The Sun Devils had found a kicker. (Kenny Dillingham would no longer be going for it on fourth and 8 from anywhere in plus territory.) They were thin at wide receiver, sure, but nobody's perfect.
$TM had visions of game winning drives, featuring tightly spiraling, yard-gobbling bombs and monster kicks, arcing high through the sky, bathed in the golden light of a desert evening in the Valley of the Sun. What could go wrong?
Do you know what a Lisfranc fracture is? Sam Leavitt sure does.
He sustained one of those babys against Baylor, week 3, and had season ending surgery on it in early November.
The wheels came completely off after that. I'd prefer not to relive it. I guess I should mention the numerous REAMS and DIDDLES. And that I Bet the Ranch and got GRRREAMED. And that I crawled into week 15 with negative 14 and promptly lost the Tony the Tiger Bowl Sun Bowl by 3 points. And that all I got from GG was one fucking point. And that, in case you're wondering, I finished dead last with negative 14 and unranked and Sam Leavitt has transferred to LSU.
Is there a lesson to be learned here? I don't know. That's for others to say.
Lorne Malvo
Commissioner for Life
