Final Scores
13. Q. Went with USC. Caleb What's-his-name, returning Heisman Trophy winner. What could go wrong? Starts the season ranked #6 AP, ends the season unranked. Goes 8 - 5 on the year. Did they win their bowl game? Who gives a shit. Forced to bet the ranch, Q did the best she could with this turkey and ended up dead last with minus 21. This was a fucking disaster. Bruce Pinkernell Award Winner.
You hate to see it.
12. Chiba. It looked like Cheebs was playin' it safe. Tapped #9 Clemson. But then the pile of dog shit Dumbo Swishy was driving all over the ACC threw a rod. And everyone and their brother Bob realized that the Tigers sucked. Still, coach Dildo pulled a rabbit out of his baseball cap at the very last minute and The Cheeb was suddenly holding a giant jizz-cannon with both hands and whooping his way through an end of season Orgasmathon.
Get this: +2 for rolling Kentucky in the Gator Bowl. DIDDLE! DIDDLE! DIDDLE! which is 5 more. Clemson lands at #20 AP, that's 5 more. Then fucking Chiba lays down his GG card (worth 9 points) for an epic 21 point weekend to close out the season and finish with +6.
I'm just sick about it.
12. $$uke. Oregon State. You know the story. I was looking like a BRFL King, until the wheels came off at the end of the season, with a tight loss to the Huskies in Corvallis and an absolute carpet-bombing from the Ducks in Eugene. Then the team imploded with arrests, transfers, opt-outs and of course the head coach bailed. Woe and sobbing. Alcoholism and drug abuse.
Finished 8 - 5, got ass-whipped by the Domers in the Sun Bowl and went from #18 pre-season to unranked. My season finale included dropping the bowl game, power diving minus 6 on my way out of the AP Poll, and earning a last minute REAM! to cap the season with a minus 9 week (those 2 GG points really helped out). +6 total on the season, tied with Chiba.
I'm hurting.
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| I had the Beavers |
11. DPo. The 'Po tapped #19 Wisconsin and, on paper, it looked like the Year of the Badger. Sadly, no. Their schedule basically looked super easy preseason, but that was fake news. Turns out there were a lot of good teams on that list. The Badgers lost to those good teams and beat up on only the shitty ones. Threw a scare into LSU in the Nothingburger Bowl. The CheeseHeads never recovered from the early REAM! and Wisco finished 7 - 6. Unranked when the smoke cleared. Let's face it, they were lucky to be bowl eligible. Deeps crushed it in GG though, tied for the Crown, picked up 10. Finished with +7.
A pretty horrible season? Absolutely.
10. McLovin. What the hell got into THIS guy?! Once a bottom-feeding, shameless band-wagon Bro for any team that looked like they were going to run the table, Lovin is now a near-suicidal homer-picker for Ohio State. Ranked #3 and heading into the season with a retooled defense, a sad, retard-laden O-line and a drawer full of dull knives at QB, our man still picked the Buckeyes. And he got FUCKED! Oh, yeah.
Oh my God.
After beating up on a bunch of patsies and surviving against a ten-man Notre Dame squad the Bucks dropped their third straight to Meechy and then left the offence in Columbus against 'we try harder' Mizzu in the Cotton Bowl. Where they and got skonked by the Tigers, 14 - 3.
Here are the BRFL numbers from McLovin's final month of football in 2023:
Stoogatz for the bowl, Minus 3 from the AP, an underwhelming +2 from GG, total +8 on the season.
The BRFL is where loyalty and altruism go to die.
9. DTBH, K State. Everybody picks KState sooner or later. They were ranked 16th out of the gate when the Dog picked them. At first it looked like they might suck but, as it turns out, they only lost to good teams, finished 9 - 4, upset NC State in the Pop Tarts Bowl 28 - 19 and the Bounty Hunter had a strong final week: 2 for the Bowl, the AP moved him up +7 (finished at #18 AP) and, yeah, that's a DIDDLE!DIDDLE!DIDDLE! in Bowl season, which doesn't fucking happen every day, +5 more. Throw in 1 more for GG. That was +15 in the final week and DogTheBountyHunter finishes at +10 on the season.
There are...no words.
8. Lola. Perennial doormat Lola tapped LSU, preseason AP #5, to try to turn things around in '23. Alas. LSU had three 'must win' games: Florida State, Ole Miss and Alabama. And they lost all three. And yet. And yet. They won all their other games, including kicking the shit out of Florida 52 - 35 late in the season, and besting the Wisconsin Badgers 35 - 31 in the Reliaquest Bowl, whatever the hell that is. Maybe this is why Lola, as opposed to other years, didn't really get mauled that badly this season.
Her last week up she got +2 for the bowl, +1 for the no drop, +1 for the move up in the AP (finished #12) and +4 from her GG efforts. That's +8 on the final week and +12 on the season.
Not accustomed to a '+' in front of Lola's numbers at the end of the season. But, hey. Life is about changes. Break ups. Down sizing. Reverse mortgages. Let's move on.
7. BreauxFreaux. Balls to the Wall, the Breaux picked the unranked Texas Tech Red Raiders in 2023 and they stumbled out of the gate, dropping their first two games and losing their QB to injury right away. A grim slog through a disappointing season ensued. BreauxFreaux turned in a fine performance in GG though, picking up +7. And TTech whupped the tar out of Cal 34 - 14 in the Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl (sorry, Dave Kent). With a semi-strong finish the Breaux wound up the season still unranked, with +15 the final.
I expected much worse. So, good job. I guess.
6. Ronde'. Sort of picked an unranked team, AP #24 pre-season, the Tulane Green Wave. WTF, you were thinking, right? Well, these assholes went 11 - 2 until they fell apart there at the end of the season, suffering an inexplicable spit-roasting at the hands of Va. Tech, 41 - 20 in the Military Bowl presented by Go-Bowling.com. El Shit-o final week for Ronde' but he captured +6 from GG and Tulane finished '23 unranked but Ronde' finished with +25 BRFL points which ain't too shabby.
You love to hate him.
7. Timmy! Teebs goes with family and throws in with Notre Dame. Ranked #13 preseason, the Domers steam-rolled 4 shitty teams and then lost to an Ohio State team that couldn't run the ball down an aisle at Wegman's after closing time. On a running play. The Fightin' Irish further embarrassed Teeblations by losing to the hated Clemson piss-bathers toward the end of the season. In the end, Touchdown Jesus laid wood to a depleted and dysfunctional Oregon State Beaver squad 40 - 8 in the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl.
+2 for the Bowl, +1 for the no drop, +2 for the move up (Notre Dame finished at #14), +3 from GG, a respectable +8 on the final week and Timmy! finished the season with +26.
Best performance in a while? Hell yeah!
4. CCS. Defending BRFL Champion CCS hitches his wagon to AP preseason #20 Oklahoma and proceeds to make a serious run at taking home The Cheese. Things were going along fine until week 8 when the Sooners crapped out against Kansas and then lost a close one in T. Boone Pickens Stadium to Oklahoma State the very next week. Could CCS salvage the season against Arizona in the Valero Alamo Bowl? Fuck no. Arizona was red hot and Oklahoma, well, not so much. Took the L. The AP dropped the Sooners 3 (#15) but CCS crushed GG, tying for the win with +10 and finishing the season with +35 BRFL total.
No one has ever won back to back BRFL titles.
3. KBron. The Bronie Boy picked Ole Miss, #22 AP preseason, and this was a coveted pick. The Runnin' Rebs were on everybody's short list. Did they have a great season? Very good. Not great. They lost the two games they were supposed to lose, against Alabama and Georgia. And they beat the pants off everybody else, including Penn State, 38 - 25, in the Chik-Fil-A Peach Bowl. The Peach Bowl is a New Year's Six game. So, Special K got +4 for that, +1 for the no drop, +2 for the move up ( #9 AP! ), but a totally lame effort in GG ( as in zero ) doomed the Bronie and he ended the season with +40. That's third place. And that's Liberace territory.
It's like the Old Piano Pounder is comin' home, isn't it?
2. Snottie. Second place is for losers. Still, let's acknowledge Snottie's 'almost greatness'. This dude made an epic run at The Championship during both the regular season and bowl season. His nemesis? Fucking Washington and their pay-for-play 8th-year-senior, journeyman quarterback, Michael Penix. Snott's Oregon Ducks were 5 - 0 when they first got dumped by the Huskies in Seattle, 36 - 33. They were 11 - 1, and coming off an absolute seal-clubbing of #16 Oregon State 45 - 6 in Eugene, when they lost a second squeaker to Washington, 34 - 31. 6 points from Glory. 6 damn points.
But what a finish for the Man Called Snott (MCS). 4 for the bowl win, a 45 - 6 drubbing of The God Squad (Liberty) in the VRBO Fiesta Bowl ( a New Years Six game), +4 there. 1 for the no drop. AP moves him up for +2 more. Then he lays down a +5 card from GG and that's +12 to wrap up the season and our man finishes the season with +42 total.
Not good enough.
1. SockPuppet. Best known for losing large sums, our man Sock tapped the Texas Longhorns this season. I feel compelled to point out that I was ridiculed and scorned for this pick last year. Whatever.
Sock came blasting out of the starting gate, humbling Alabama, in Tuscaloosa, 34 - 24 in week 2. But then. The inevitable stumble. The Longhorns take the 'L' against Oklahoma, 37 - 31, in Austin. Meanwhile, The Puppet Master keeps chopping wood in GG.
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The Longhorns proceed to run the table after their misstep against the Sooners and cruise to the CFP semi-final game, where Washington derails the dream season. UW 37, Texas 31. Still, UW was favored in that game so the AP does not drop the Longhorns in the Most Holy Poll. Texas, the team that started #11 preseason, finishes #3. So SockPuppet picks up that no drop point (crucial) and then ( Snottie get the Kleenex ) Sock lays down a +8 GG card and that gives him a +9 final week ( despite the spanking in the CFP semi ) and + 45 on the season.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have our Champion.
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Next up: Follow the money.
Lance Herbstrong
Commissioner for Life
