BRFL 2021 Damage Report: Final Tally
'For the life of the flesh is in the blood: and I have given it to you upon the altar to make an atonement for your souls : for it is the blood that maketh an atonement for the soul.'
- Leviticus 17:11
Wake up, Brothers and Sisters.
Here are the numbers. How it went and where you ended up.
It's been a long time coming. Don't bitch. I hade stuff going on.
Here's how we finished;
Lola. Took a flyer on Iowa State. They looked so good. Last August. Crushed in the BRFL to the tune of minus 19, she pulled herself up by her bootstraps in GG, finishing second in that contest with 9 points. Still, even this failed to stave off disaster as she finished with minus ten, good enough for dead last and a lock on the Bruce Pinkernell Award. Congratulations. 💔
CCS. What was behind the suicidal pick of U Wash in 2021? We may never know. Several lackluster performances by the Huskies later the Chipster tallied minus 11 in the BRFL. GG (sort of) threw him a lifeline with 4 puny points (remember that CCS sacked up and bet the ranch week 14 - which cost him). So when the smoke cleared and the hankies were in the laundry CCS finished at minus 7. Bad. Carry the Shame Penguin for 365 days.
Just to be assholes, KBronie and DPo decided to tie at some shitty place near the bottom. Let's take KBronieManWoman first.
Mr. 'Jump on the Band Wagon' put his faith in UNC and the nonagenarian Coach Mack. I can't even remember his first name that's how irrelevant this fucker is. Wait, that is his first name. Mack Brown. Speaking of 'brown' UNC just pooped all over themselves all season and Mr. Mack proved, once and for all, that coaching Division 1 is a young man's game. They sucked. KBron's final BRFL tally was MINUS 13. Oh my fucking, GOD. Yet, his dedication to GG paid off. He took the GG Cheese and had ten points to offset his disastrous Tar Heel Cluster Fuck and only ended the season at minus 3. Kudos.
Then there's DPo. His extended multi-planar orgasm after scUM buried TOSU notwithstanding, he too had a very, very bad season with a super questionable pick : USC. Why did he do it? Again, we may never know. USC sucked thoroughly and intensely. Their coach got fired after, what, the third game? They didn't even go to a bowl. DPo finished the BRFL season with minus ten from the Troy Men's woeful performance but his GG prowess snagged him a much needed 7 points and he pulled into dry-dock at minus 3. Nothing to be proud of really.
Timmy! Every year somebody has to pick Wisconsin. Teebs took his turn in '21 and got burned to the tune of minus three in the BRFL. (That snoozer win over Arizona State in the SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl helped). A pretty sad showing in GG gave him 2 points. Still, negative territory for the season. Teeblations embarrasses himself and ends at Minus One.
SockPuppet. Hark back to the rapture of week 2 when the Oregon Ducks dumped Ohio State in Columbus 35 - 28 and it looked like Sock/"Billy" had made the pick of the year. Soon, though, it would be revealed that Ohio State didn't have a defense in 2021 and the Ducks would run into a nasty streak of key injuries. Pretty soon the whole fucking thing fell apart, Mario Cristobal bailed for Miami and the Ducks got carted off after a loss to Oklahoma in the Valero Alamo Bowl.
A platry +3 in the BRFL, a disastrous bet the ranch weekend on week 14 so GG only adds 2, Sock limps across the finish line with plus 5.
Jimbo$$uke. Decides to go the McLovin way 🌈but errs on the side of the homer pick and rolls with #4 (preseason) Ohio State. The offense soars, sort of, and the defense is ... horrible. Defensive Coordinator gets demoted three games in and the unthinkable happens in Ann Arbor. The Commissioner flirts with suicide but, wait, there's one more game. A chance to knock off Snottie in the Rose Bowl. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Lord. TOSU 48, Utah 45.
Was it enough to save my season? Fuck no. I too bet the ranch and got raped in GG. I end the BRFL season with 4, get nothing from GG and collapse at the end of this shit-show with plus 4.
QXXX. Remember when Q won it all? Those days are gone. Q tried to get cute and went with Liberty U, the Christian Fanatics, this season. How'd that work out, Q? 7 and 5. That's how. You whupped the shit out of Eastern Meechy in your (Lending Tree) Bowl but, honestly? A very questionable pick. A case of cocky ex-champion over-reach, if I may be so bold. You end the BRFL grind with +10 (how???) and join the Jimbo$$uke club in GG by netting big-fat-fucking-zero and it's, lights out, plus 10.
Dog the Bounty Hunter. Iowa. Again. Chronically overpaid Jerry's Kid, Kirk Ferentz, logs a 10 and 3 season (Big 10 West, Big 10 West, Big 10 West...suuuuccccckkkkks), get's bested by ship-without-a-rudder Kentucky in the "VRBO Citrus Bowl", whatever that is, and fucking Seannie has +15 BRFL when the dust settles and a puny +1 to end at plus 16. Where's the Justice?
BroFro. Now here's a lad who knows how to go to the bargain-bin and pick up some quality tools. CoastalCarolina. The Fisting Chandeliers or whatever. These motherfuckers, playing in the SunBelt Conference, go 10 and 2 loosing by a proc-hair to App State and Georgia State. This was an "I'm taking the Cheese, Bitch, blow me!" pick if I ever saw one.
Sadly, it didn't work out. +12 BRFL (respectable), a rousing 7 from GG (ever diligent) and the 'Fro brings it home with plus 19. Watch and learn.
Snottie. It should have gone better. Everybody had their eye on Utah, but Snottie pulled the trigger on the Utes with the #3 pick in the BRFL 2021 draft. 10 - 3, including an early season OT loss to San Diego State on the road. Well positioned for Glory, the Utes had the misfortune to draw a dysfunctional but motivated Buckeye squad in the Rose Bowl and...well...you know what kinda' eyes she got! Still the Snotter had 26 BRFL points (even after that crushing disappointment in Pasadena) and picked up another 6 from his GG adventures and, actually, kind of crushed the season with plus 32. That's fully twice what you had, Dog.
Kitten. Doesn't it just seem like Kitten will always be a rookie? Watch out for this little Bitch though. In a semi-homer pick (which, in my experience, is a risky move) the Kitty went with the Queen City Bearcats and fuck, did they light it up or what? Hello?! They only went undefeated and made it to the CFP semis only to run into Satan's spawn Alabama and lose. But, hey, the Bearcats? Only people from Alabama wanted Alabama to win that game.
Which reminds me of a joke: why don't women from Alabama do it dog-style?
Won't turn their back on family.
Kitten pulls into the wasteland of off-season with +31, plus 5 from his GG exploits and hammers home the Liberace with plus 36. Oh, the Rapture.
Which brings us to Ronde'. A strong, strong pick with Ole Miss. Again, we were all thinking about the Rebs but only Ronde' pulled the trigger on them with THE #7 PICK IN THE 2021 BRFL DRAFT! What were you douchebags thinking? He stole this pick. They were UNRANKED. And, had it not been for an untimely injury to Oxford legend Matt Corral, they would have picked off Baylor in the All State Sugar Bowl. But no.
It was not to be.
All this time the Randude was counting his money and, because he doesn't read the Living Document, he had forgotten all about the Focus of Evil:
McLovin.
Ronde' with plus 40 at the end of the BRFL season. Plus 3 more from GG. Plus 43 fucking points. My Friends! Insurmountable, right?
But second place is for Losers, isn't it, Friends?
McLovin. The #13 pick in the 2021 BRFL Draft. Sure, sure. Georgia was ranked #5. But Ohio State was ranked #4. How'd that work out? But McLovin goes with the Dawgs. He runs the table, slowly but surely accruing points. More importantly perhaps, McLovin, who actually reads the Living Document, busts his cookies in GG. Yes, Satan's Five Stars dump Georgia in the SEC conference championship. But the Bulldogs still back into the CFP. They roll Michigan. Yawn. And then they hand Little Nicky the "L" and win the Natty. Plus 43 BRFL points when it's over, plus 8 from his hard work in the GG arena and McLovin cruises to the Promised Land with plus 51 mind-numbing points.
We may never see a late season surge like this again because, of course, I'm changing the rules.
Coming next, your financial repercussions.
Jimbo$$uke,
Commissioner for Life
