My Suggestions for My Friends

Belle's got a bad wheel and may be facing MAJOR SURGERY. Or not. But still. I want some money.

That's why I need you to step up and be the Dumbest DumbAsshole you can be.

And I know you can do it. I've seen you in action for eight seasons in the BRFL so far.

McLovin', let's pick another pocket-emptying misfire like Georgia. Hell, why not pick Georgia AGAIN! You love my dog. Give up the cash and prove it, Tool.

Randoofus, how about a catastrophe like Penn State for you? They had a great recruiting year. Sure, they're all freshman and they were all tugging one out every night in their mom's shower just a few days ago. But they might win 10 games. In your fucking dreams, Randy! Fork it over, MoneyBags.

BroFro, Ohio Bobcats much? Could be a "sleeper"? More like "snoozer". Would you mind terribly much just writing me a fat old check right now?

DPuss, why not go with the ill-advised alumnus pick? Brady Hoke is the man, isn't he? Well?! Isn't he?. Trust him. Go Blue. Then lose, lose and lose again. $$$ for Jimbosuke. NICE!

Snottie, scroll through the thousands of websites out there and try to outdo your historic Missouri douching, the year the wheels came off and the coach got the DUI. I want a pick like that for you. Or the great "Wisconsin never loses money pick" that left you eating your own soul for a whole BRFL season.

T-bone, you're back. You're a west coast guy. You like crappy west coast teams.  How about a suicidal pick like Cal? They suck. Perennially. Shall I put you down for Cal? You are my Season 9 ATM, DoucheBone.

Q. Coming off an uncharacteristically good year. Could happen again. Not. How about horrible Kansas for you? Rock, Chalk fatso Charlie Weiss Jay Hawk. Ka-CHING goes my special money place in the basement.

Seannie. What happened? You used to be a hot picker. Now you've gone cold. What's the "Sean Sux" pick for this season, Genius? Notre Dame? It doesn't really matter. "They whom ye pick so shall they then suck for ye." It is written in the Book of Jimbosuke.

SockPackage. Utah Utes, Bro'. Can't miss. Try them again. Get comfortable with canned food and "stay at home" vacations.

ClemStumble: Made some nice swag with UCLA last year. Made a lot of people think about how they don't really like you. Especially since, all season long, you thought you had USC, who sucked. You, too, are a West Coast picker.
Is it time for you to self-immolate and pick the Washington State Huskies? And watch them stumble around blindly in the basement of the sub-par PAC-12 trying for an unprecedented 5 win season? Well, I sure think so. But that's just me.

Chip n' Anus: Big Mr. Champion all of a sudden. La-dee-dah! I see you sticking with a super-sleeper unranked BIG pick : like Purdue. Or Minnesota. Seriously, this is your strategy. They'll both be on the board by the time your pick arrives. Or surprise me. Pick Indiana. Pick Illinois. No repeat for you, Mr. Deep Hole in the Basement. Au revoir, Ricky Bobby.

Best wishes,

Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life