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| "Ivanka cooked all of this. Is she a piece of ass or what?" |
BRFL Season 12, Wrap Party;
This is what you get when you win the Natty and visit the White House these days; You get fucking McDonald's still in the wrapper and "dipping sauce" in silver tureens. You would think he could do more for a team whose colors mimic his hair but, hey, if you haven't learned to lower your expectations by now well, just fuck you.
Speaking of lowered expectations here's the results of this year's BRFL bloodbath. I will hold off on the horrific details of just how much cash people lost until the accountants review the figures.
CCS; Clemson. A staggering 19 points in the playoff run, 1 for the no drop, 1 for the move up to #1 and it's a total of 47 points to take home the Cheese. Congratulations, Brohime.
Randi; LSU 40, UCF 32 and that spelled doom for your Winner's Circle Wet Dream. Minus 4 from the AP up your bunghole and you finish with 39.
McLovin'; 'Bama douches out and gets curb stomped in the finale. 7 for your semi-final win, minus 1 for the drop, 6 to your 26 and you end with 32. The AP only drops you 1 for getting annihilated in the most boring Natty since Florida kicked the shit out of TOSU? Seem fair? Of course not.
BroFro; Strong finish. 28-23 over Wash U in the Rose Bowl. 3 for the win, AP says, "hey, hey" and moves the Buckeyes up 2, 6 point total you have 32 final. Another tussle over the Liberace.
Timmy the Bold; Florida 41, Meechy 15. AP drops you 6. You end the season with 21.
Obama; Lost to TOSU in the Rose. Still. AP only drops you 4. You finish with 15. Is this your best finish so far? I think so.
Kitten; A sick, weird finish for the Broncos. Bowl game cancelled. You was robbed. 1 for the no drop. End with 14. Fucked over.
Q; Going out on a high note by stomping on your husband's testicles. Oregon 7, Michigan State 6. 3 points for the bowl win. You end the season with 12.
Snottie; Blanked by Virgina, 28 - 0. South Carolina now a legendary bad pick. You got stoogatz. Finish with 7.
DPo; Arizona so amazingly shitty they didn't go to a bowl. You end the season with 5. One of the worst picks I've ever seen. Do you even watch college football, like, ever?
SuckPuppet. Mississippi State lose to Iowa. LOSES TO IOWA. The AP puts the nose of your aircraft straight fucking down and you drop 7 right the hell out of the AP poll and earn an end o' season REAM! Minus 12 bowl season for you and you finish up with 4 total BRFL points. Not very good at all.
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SkHank; The shit smell of Stanford is in the air. Somehow you manage to sneak by Pitt 14-13 for a 3 point bowl win and end the season with Minus 2. God how I hate you.
BoSucky; Florida State an idiot pick. So fucking stupid. Rewarded by not going to a bowl. End my Season of Shame with a puny minus 6. Really, really pitiful.
SeannieG; Awful. MooU can only manage 2 field goals and loses to hapless Oregon. You are, like, totally emasculated and now must deal with the inevitable erectile dysfunction. Just remember, Jesus loves you. Though, to be truthful, everybody I've talked to that I could actually see hates the shit out of you. Minus 9 is your fate. Stupid, stupid pick.
KBronieManWoman. Wisconsin pulls one out of their collective ass and snuffs Miami 35 - 3, breaking Mark Richt into tiny pieces that don't add up to a whole man. He "retires" and you get 3 for the bowl win. So, really, it could have been worse for you this season. You finish dead last at minus 15. Luckily there is a robust Food Bank in Otsego County. As for the kids? Listen, in the 19th century kids started working when they were 7 years old. Totally normal.
Old times were good times.
Bitches.
Jimbosuke,
Commissioner for Life.
